When picking one’s fantasy football team, so many elements are important. Drafting players with hilarious and pop culture related names or to the game within the game of drafting the right kicker. Of course, the most important element is drafting the player that your seven year old daughter could win with. We’ve compiled, for your reading pleasure, the greatest list of six players that will help you win any fantasy football league.
1. Aaron Rodgers: No one had high hopes for the boy destined to replace the wrangler wearing, moonshine swillin good ole boy from Mississippi who made the cheddar cheese state melt like it was on top of a plate of nachos. He slipped so far in the 2005 draft that Roger Goodell “slipped” him into a backroom to avoid awkward camera shots. But Aaron Rodgers has now accomplished the impossible and banished Brett Favre from the collective memory of the franchise that Bart Starr built by winning a super bowl and putting up some gaudy stats. How gaudy? He threw for 4,643 yards on 343 completions, with a record setting single season passer rating of 122.5 and 45 touchdowns to SIX interceptions. That’s fantasy football porn right there ladies and gentlemen. Pure and simple. This guy’s a lock. He might not look like much, but he’s going to do exactly what you need. He’s a 2002 Volvo station wagon: dependable, solid, but never confused for flashy.
2. Tom Brady: Like the protagonist of some 1950’s sports paperback, Tom Brady has it all. Two Super bowl rings, stats galore, and a gorgeous wife. Oh, he’s also the essence of beauty in the male form (no homo). He’s been doing it for so long, that it seems almost unnatural. Brady has the uncanny ability to get the ball to anyone on the field with a Patriots jersey. You could put literally anyone in that jersey. Your mom + patriots jersey = pro bowl mama. You can ask Dion Branch about that one (We think he came back this year). Look at Brady’s completion percentages from the last five years: 68.9%, 63.6%, 65.7%, 65.9%, 65.6%. It’s like LL Cool J once said, “don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years.” Brady is like an episode of Seinfeld, always good.
3. Ray Rice: We don’t watch enough Ravens games (we really hate Joe Flacco and, really, all of Delaware) to know why we’re picking Ray Rice this high, but we’ve seen the Wire. What the Wire has taught us is that you don’t fuck with Baltimore, so draft Ray Rice with your first pick. . . Please. . . Is that enough Mr. Lewis? Can move on now?
4. Arian Foster: This man openly talks about how he dislikes fantasy football (read ESPN the Magazine to find out more. . . [SHAMELESS PLUG]). He’s the guy you kind of know about, know where he plays, and know he’s kind of good. We’re here to tell you to draft him. He puts up crazy numbers, rushing and receiving. He’ll score you more points than Carmelo Anthony in a five point Knicks’ loss. Not drafting him would be like letting Han shoot first. Don’t make that mistake.
5. Calvin Johnson: A little back-story is required. Matt Millen, while still the Lion’s GM, dreamed he would draft the most dynamic wide receiver ever to grace the NFL. Unfortunately for Matt, it took him four tries (and his job) to fulfill that prophetic vision by drafting Calvin Johnson. 6’ 5” with Usain Bolt speed and hands made out of glue, Megatron is a must have on your fantasy team. Having experienced him play for and against us in previous leagues, trust us; you want him on your squad. He is literally head and shoulders above everyone else at his position; it’s like watching Danny Devito and Arnold Schwarzenegger in the 80’s classic “Twins.” Draft him and cackle like a 19th century railroad baron.
SLEEPER: Since we’re both massive Oregon Duck fans, our sleeper is LaMichael James. What’s that? San Francisco has four running backs? Look, let’s get one thing clear. Every sleeper pick is pure crap. Everyone has a sleeper. EVERYONE. And everyone isn’t an NFL scout, coach, or GM. Just admit you’re picking sleepers because a guy went to your school or looked good for the five minutes you watched the Chiefs/Raiders game during week 7. A sleeper pick doesn’t have to make sense because if it did, it wouldn’t be a sleeper.
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