Like the shirt says.

"Benjamin Todd "Ben" Roethlisberger (born March 2, 1982), nicknamed Big Ben, is an American football quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers of the National Football League. He was drafted by the Steelers 11th overall in the 2004 NFL Draft. He played college football at Miami University (Oxford, Ohio). Roethlisberger earned the AP NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year in 2004. He became the youngest Super Bowl–winning quarterback in NFL history in his second professional season at the age of 23. He currently ranks 9th all-time in NFL passer rating (91.7), 5th in yards per attempt (8.01), and 8th in completion percentage (63.29%) among quarterbacks with a minimum of 1500 career attempts. He has the 5th highest winning percentage (.698) as a starter in the regular season among quarterbacks with a minimum of 80 starts. "

Thank you for that Wikipedia. The world is now a much wiser and better place because of you. However we feel you don't always tell the whole story. For example nowhere in that paragraph did you mention that Ben Roethlisberger is huge flaming douchebag. For Gods sake how is that not your intro for the guy? He looks like a what would happen if One-Eyed Willy from The Goonies and Roseanne Barr got together and did the horizontal hustle. Talk about needing the morning after pill..... too soon? Not soon enough? Well, we only speak the truth around here. So deal. This isn't going to be our most PG article, so if your are easily offended go learn How to Train your Dragon. Let's get Ugly.

First off, how can you not be a douchebag when you get a sexual assault charge brought against you while your sexual assault from LAST YEAR is still in court? Seriously, at least Kobe had some class when he held off on raping women until his case had been finished! Rothelisdouche always has a little smirk on his face like he just got away with something and that makes us want to slap him with our swizzle stick. Everyone who meets him wants to do exactly what god did to him in 2006; put him on a motorcycle without a helmet and throw him through the windshield of an oncoming car. Why, oh why Satan did you have to save his life? On the flipside, God why did you trade his death away for some twizzlers and a six pack of yoohoos? The movie rights alone would have been worth letting him die. Look how good The Blindside just did. We're just saying. Usually when someone goes through a life changing near death experience they come out of wiser and less of a douchebag. Not Big Ben.

Poor life choices aside, lets breakdown exactly what he has accomplished on the gridiron. Multiple Pro Bowls, Multiple Super Bowl Wins. As we stated earlier, he ranks top 10 in nearly every major statistical category for his position. However when you start to dig a little deeper, the ball of yarn begins to unravel. His two super bowl wins come against arguably two of the worst franchises from the past 40 years; the Seattle Seahawks and the Arizona Cardinals. Should we be impressed? Because we are not. The Seahawks are about as good as an XFL team, and the Cardinals are the Clippers of the NFL. Ahhh Burn. Secondly he is about as ugly as a wart on a mexican hairless. But we digress...

Rothelisburger could have been known as a great quarterback, something we sadly admit with the taste of vomit in our mouths. He plays for a stacked team, with one of the most smashmouth, dominating defenses of the early millennium and the good fortune to be in one of the most well managed and storied franchises of the NFL. Instead, we know him now for his epic fuckups; be it throwing women down flights of stairs, molesting Harrah's casino employees, or taking a plate glass windshield to the mouth without a helmet. This guy either can't or won't accept the destiny that awaits him if he just plays the game and stops doing retarded things. To us, all the better. Because the sooner he's suspended or cut, the sooner begins the Dennis Dixon era and the sooner Ducks fans can move on from Joey Harrington (We don't care how good Matthew Stafford is or what he can do; the Detroit Lions are a black hole for quarterbacks... and we aren't just saying that because we're still bitter about Joey Harrington... fuck it, what are we saying. YOU RUINED HIS CAREER DETROIT!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!)

Yamabethur America and good night.

Home Alone Part 97-Bracket Busters

Well we had a whole March Madness article all typed up and ready to hit the presses until we caught a little snag. You see we are granted certain amenities as such highly regarded sports writers. Front row seats, luxury suites, anything fancy and/or free you better believe we have indulged beyond our wildest dreams. So when ESPN contacted us and requested that we cover the entire tournament on their dime, how could we say no? We could use some free love, and not the type you get from a $5 Asian masseuse, after the month we have had. The University of Oregon has put us through so much heartbreak recently that Taylor Swift is currently working on a song for her new album called "I choked out my bitch and stole her laptops". Kinda catchy right? However, as they say hindsight is 20-20. If we had known what kind of bermuda-triangle type bad luck would be coming our way, we would have just stayed in our matching snuggies drinking some PBR’s while watching the madness unfold at home.

As we arrived at the airport last week, we couldn't have been more ready to spend time with Digger and the crew while we made bold predictions that had a snow balls chance in hell of happening. (So pretty much what Mel Kiper Jr has been doing for the past 30 years.) As we entered the airport and headed toward the closest bar, we got settled in for what was sure to be an unforgettable couple of weekends. Ten to twelve Jager Bombs later we were ready to board the plane and head to our first set of opening round games. We just had to use the restroom and board the plan. It all seems so simple now. Why oh why did Sean have to change the batteries in his TalkBoy? To make a long story short, Sean hasn't been seen or heard from in two weeks and Kyle is stuck inside a closed terminal at the Spokane airport too scared to venture outside. We have not seen any live or televised games, and as far as we both know our brackets are in great shape. Go Kansas Go!

Jellyball? Jaleel White? No, its Jai-alai...

Back in our Miami days, we used to spend our time drinking Mimosas on South Beach and jaberjawing with local celebs like Don Johnson and Merlin Olsen. Those were easy days, full of sunshine and beautiful women, days when arguing about sports was the last thing on our mind. It seemed like the sprawling South Florida sun had conquered our anger and our competitiveness was shifting towards laziness. Little did we know that all would change when we stumbled upon a dusty old gym that held a prize more valuable than a giant gold statue of Joe Montana; our destiny. Inside that ramshackle old warehouse a supremely beautiful game was being played, an activity that some call the game of Kings. That game was none other than the legendary sport of Jai-alai, or Murderball as it is called in Bangkok or Jakarta. It was so beautiful that it stole the air right from our lungs. True love, ladies and gents, only happens but once in a blue moon, and for us, it happened when we laid our eyes on the most majestic of all athletic endeavors.

A salty one-eyed Cuban fellow named Juanitaz noticed our interest in the game and took us under his wing. He was the Mick to our Rocky and taught us all of the ins and outs of the game. For those who haven't ever seen or heard of Jai-alai, we'll teach you the basics and try to enlighten you on the single greatest ball slinging event to hit the world since Monica Lewinski. Now we're sure you're saying to yourselves isn't this Jellyball sport just some weird foreign take on racket ball? The answer is no. Sure the components are similar, but you need something a little tougher than little blue rubber balls to play Jai alai. You need the balls of a man, or at least a ball covered with goatskin that can withstand the speeds of 188 MPH. 188 MPH?!?! That's faster than Lindsey Lohan was going when she slammed her Mercedes into a wall, and she was high on coke! Mmmmm, Mean Girls...... Sorry, we got lost in thought...... Pants back on, and back to Jai alai. The rules are simple. It's a mans game, and the sport requires you to either put up or shut up. A Jai-alai game is played in round robin format, usually between eight teams of two players each or eight single players. The first team to score 7 or 9 points wins the game. Simple rules for the simple man. For God's sake, the most interesting man in the world plays as as witnessed in his Dos Equis commercial. "His beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man’s entire body."

"Think of it as handball on steroids AND crack" Juanitaz told us as we took the court for the first time, Kyle in the frontcourt and Sean in the back. Naturally we dominated our opponents in the regular Angry Guys fashion you great people have come to expect from us. For 30 minutes that Cancha (Court) was ours and we flew around it like two bee stung badgers on a mission. Kyle served up some lightening fast goodness for our opponents who were barely quick enough to dive out of their way. Sean continually climbed the left wall to dig out hard to reach balls with his Cesta (Fancy looking wicker glove) only to fire them back with the passion of a South Miami sunset. The game ended when Kyle dropped a wicked difficult "chula" shot on the opposition (the Jai-alai version of baby bounces) which sent them diving to the floor. Bloodied and bruised, the losers stayed down on the floor as the Angry Guys were crowned the best new thing in Jai-alai since the Pelota. For the next year, with Juanitaz at our side as manager, we barnstormed around the world challenging the greatest supposed Jai-alai champions to games with everything on the line. We beat Kevin Pacquiao (Manny's little brother and one of the Philippines greatest Jai-alai players) in double OT with a thriller of a battle. We won the prestigious Francisco Churruca Cup, named after the greatest Jai-alai baller ever and even had our Cestas retired in the homeland of the game, Basque. Yes, it goes without saying that at the end of the year, our competitive batteries had been recharged and we were ready to once again roam the Earth arguing about sports and sports related topics.

Jai-alai is truly the sport of kings and should be practiced all over the US rather than just in South Florida and some shady gambling establishments in the Northeast.Yamabethur!

BOOMSHAKALAKA!

Natural talent isn't something that can be measured. Certain athletes are just blessed with that "IT" factor. There isn't one thing that makes them great, it’s a multitude of different factors coming together to make them multi-talented superstar. These skills are easy to recognize in real life. Throughout history, there have been a handful of players just give off that vibe of " I'm 10 times better then you and there is nothing you can do about it". Obviously, the first few that come to mind are LeBron and MJ. No matter what they do, they are just simply better than everyone else. (With the obvious exception of MJ's failed baseball career. The Birmingham Barons. Really? ) Which brings us to our main point. In our 21st century hi-tech, iPhone world, how do those skills translate to video games? How do you make a player be as unstoppable in a game as they are out on the battlefield? Lucky for all of you, we don't have the chops to cut it in the big leagues, but we have been ballin' since the 16-bit era, and over the years we have encountered a few of these juggernauts. We have been through Bo Jackson in Techmo, to Mike Vick's pre-dog killing days in Madden '04. We've been part of a group of drunken freshman playing NFL Blitz on the N64 in a cramped dorm room trying to decide who has to shave their head with a bic razor. (True story) The world of sports video games spans every generation and even brings cultures together. Heck, with the help of XBOX Live we can make nearly any 12 year old Russian kid cry from the comfort of our own living-room. So without further ado we offer to you a brief tour around the Sports Video Game Universe.

As children, we never really received the "proper" amount of adult supervision. We relied more on the TV and whichever game system we could afford back then. We may not be able to recite the Pledge of Allegiance, but damn it we can name every playable duo available in the Original NBA Jam. NBA Jam changed everything in the video game world. It allowed you to take a two-man crew from your favorite team into a cutting edge virtual world; a world in which you could jump 50 feet in the air, push people to the ground without getting a foul and literally catch on fire. No game consumed more of our young childhood than the Jam and no game outside of red rover caused more of our broken bones. What ten-year-old kid didn't almost kill themselves by jumping off a ladder towards a Nerf hoop while flipping in the air??? Anyone? Anyone? Because our hospital floor was full of other kids in full body casts when we broke ourselves trying to Boomshakalaka. We're pretty sure sure NBA Jam crippled more kids than the lead based paint on cheap toys from China... Too soon? Not soon enough! We will forever thank NBA Jam for its equal opportunity dunking skills, allowing the likes of John Stockton and Detlef Schrempf to get equally high as the preeminent skywalkers of the early 90's like Shawn Kemp and Dominique. And we will always worship the Jam for giving us the on fire rule which, in any sport, gives an individual some kind of reward for sinking three consecutive shots. From beer pong to Jai Lai, Jam's power is felt worldwide.

With the exception of "The Jam", there are only two other relevant sports related video games that come to mind. The first is a game that has not only stood the test of time but one that has actually affected the way its sport is played. We are of course talking about the granddaddy of them all, John Madden Football. There have been many heated arguments settled on the Madden gridiron, especially between these two angry fellows. Without this release valve for our aggression we are certain that we would have hit sticked ourselves into oblivion in real life. This is a video game franchise that over the years has faced many hurdles, from licensing agreements to a rumored cover curse but has always remained on top. It continues to push the edge in realistic graphics in a video game, so much so that we can see a time in the not so distant future where our smell-o-visions will be able to pick up the stinky sweat smell of some 300 plus pound offensive lineman's jockstraps. A great feature of Madden is the franchise mode where you are given the reigns of your favorite team and allowed to build it into a Super Bowl producing machine. Many fans of terrible teams have played their pain away by turning their shitty squads into contenders. If we could just import our fantasy 49ers into real life the universe would be a much better place... god we miss the 80's and 90's! (Steve Young will you marry us? It's San Francisco for God’s sake.) Madden's cover boys, cursed as they are, are always given a special place in that year's version of the game. When Michael Vick graced the cover of the 2004 edition, he was able to run faster than the time it takes for Panda Express to run through your body. He was like Elliot Ness, an Untouchable a god among mere mortals. There was an unspoken rule between all Madden users that nobody could play as the Falcons. He was so unfair to play with that he was banned from regular competition. It was like bringing a machine gun to a knife fight, just not fair. Of course the stardom that comes with being on the cover does not always work out for the featured athlete. Many athletes follow it up by either sucking hard the next season or having their body explode. How do you explain a former MVP (Shaun Alexander) going from 27 TD's to 7 in a year? Curse! Or a massive freak of a QB coming off 3 massive knee surgeries a few years after being the cover stud? Curse! For God's sake, within a season of being on the cover both of them were jockeying for position at the unemployment office rather than drinking Crystal on Diddy's yacht during Super Bowl week! It's gotten to the point where so many players have refused to be on the cover of Madden that they opened it up to the public in a contest sponsored by Doritos. So keep your eyes peeled for this year's version with America's pretty boy Tony Romo on the cover. (We’re just kidding. We all know Dallas fans aren't smart enough to figure out how to vote.)

Our love for Madden goes hand in hand with another great game. We are of course talking about the 64-bit smack fest known as NFL Blitz. There are many reasons this game is no longer in existence, first off the fact that the NFL won't let them make it anymore so there is that. But mostly, it knew it's limits and never reached beyond them. This wasn't a lifelike simulation; this was a shit talker's paradise. A game in which you could late hit your opponents and crush their bodies and souls in one fluid butt smash. The final score usually ended up looking like an NBA game from the 80's instead of a standard NFL game but that's why we loved it. As well it was a perfect drinking game, allowing you to chug beer after beer as the turnovers racked up and touchdown drives took 30 seconds. God bless you Blitz and God bless you college; we miss you both.

Sports video games are a way of life and have changed us for the better by giving us a virtual first person perspective of a pro athlete's life on the hardwood and the gridiron. For every guy and girl out there who has not experienced the greatness of sports video games, shame on you! Don't be afraid of the sticks! Go out, grab a copy of madden and devote about 2 weeks of you life to getting your skills up to par. Trust us it will change your life, just make sure you have plenty of practice under belt if you want to challenge either of these sports giants to a virtual duel. Yamabethur!