Ladies and Gentlemen of the sports world, nay the sports universe. We, the two most handsome, ingenious and knowledgeable lads to ever be seen, (also known to you as the Angry Guys) have found a piece never before seen by our reading public. It was locked away in the Angry Guy Vault. You see, when Scrouge McDuck passed on a few years back, he willed his massive vault with all his money to the Angry Guys. He was always a man of great taste and enjoyed the Angry Guys so much when we wrote for the Wilson Statesman that he wanted to make sure that we would have all the money we ever needed so that we could focus all of our energies to writing these fantastic pieces for you, the adoring public.( However after several trips to Vegas, and countless parties with Mike Tyson, we found ourselves in worse financial shape then the NHL. ) We decided to lock ourselves in the vault and get to work, fueled by King Size Double Cheeseburger meals and Jack Daniel's Whiskey (What spinach is to Popeye, JD is to Sean). Things went well for about a year, with the Angry Guys producing masterpiece after masterpiece of fine crafted angry prose when the smell of money began to get to our magnificently large heads. Arguments were had, looks were exchanged and faces were made, culminating in the argument of all arguments in which, after debating for months who was the better Division II football mascot, Kyle spontaneously combusted and destroyed most of the vault. Only being able to reconcile at the beginning of last year, we Angry Guys made a promise never to visit the Vault again, locking up some of our best works ever. We finally got the courage to send Jacob our Stat Wizard to the vault to search the charred remains. Amidst all of the empty whiskey bottles and Burger King wrappers he found these pieces of goodness safely tucked behind a half charred Raef LaFrentz cardboard cut-out.
It's like this boys & girls, as you all know we Angry Guys are highly regarded amongst most pro sports possies. We have our own ringtone on LeBron's phone, we often hit the links with Chuck and D-Wade and there has been more then one occasion when a high out of his mind Michael Phelps has called us needing our opinion on which brand of cereal would best cure the munchies ( because it clearly ain't Wheaties. ) Needless to say folks, we have some pull. When the best of the best have a problem, we are the first call. Without further ado we offer up a few of the lost masterpieces most recently pulled from the ashes.
Circa 2007:
The landscape of professional sports was changed for ever last week when the New York Post broke a story about alleged gambling in the ranks of NBA officials. While this article mostly berated one specific official named Tim Donaghy, it also spoke of a culture deep seeded in the heart of the NBA. It's one we all saw night in and night out, yet none of us knew just how deep down the rabbit hole it went. Lucky for all of you readers out there in lala land we just had to give ol' Tim a call and he was more then willing to sit down with the two of us and give an exclusive interview. We laughed, he cried, we laughed some more, and now here it is for your pleasure:
AG: "So Tim we have known you for most of your thirteen year NBA officiating career, and while we have talked a lot of shit about you or made jokes regarding your eyesight and its likeness to that of a bat, we never took you for a cheater."
TD: "Errrrrr, thanks?"
AG: " So lets talk facts here Tim. You have spent 25 years of your life officiating basketball in some form or another, and you have always been near the fire or holding the matches. In the past 5 years you have now been involved with two of the biggest and most tragic events to hit the NBA. You were there during the Malice at the Palace and to be honest we aren't quite convinced you didn't throw the diet coke at Ron Artest yourself in hopes of keeping the score around the spread. Then we find out that you placed tens of thousands of dollars in bets on games during the 2005–06 and 2006–07 season, whats up with that?
TD: " Listen I'm not sure who you guys are or how you managed to bypass my security and get into my house, but I don't have anything to say on this matter until after the trial. Also are those homemade press badges you two are wearing?"
AG: You listen here fellow, we are not the ones on trial. We ask the questions round here."
TD: "But this is my house...."
AG: "Tim if you are going to be like this, then we will just have to get a hold of some of those low level mobsters we saw sitting parked in front of the house on our way in."
TD gets up and peeks through the shades: " I don't see anybody out there aside from two pink bikes with tassels. Do those belong to the "mobsters" or you guys?
AG: "Well its starting to look like this interview isn't going anywhere, we just have one last question and we would really appreciate if you could speak very clearly and direct it towards our chests?"
TD: " Wait are you two fuckers wearing wires right now?"
AG " Language not appreciated, but we will let it slide. Is there any chance you could just let us know who is going to win the championship this year? We are headed to Vegas in a few weeks, and could really use a hot tip. Anything?"
At this point Mr. Donaghy pointed us towards the door and asked us to leave. We may never fully know the truth, of course he wont have full control of his legs after The Mob is done with him.
Circa 2008:
We got this letter from the Jenny Craig corporation when we acted as Charles Barkley's agent for about a week and a half two years ago. Charles had sent them a letter asking them about their program and this their response.
Mr. Charles Barkley, Thank you for your interest in joining our company as a spokesperson. Of course we are always delighted to have our celebrity clients share their stories of weight loss with our customers, especially those of your massive girth. While we would love to have you join the team we feel there are a few things we should clear up. First, we're not sure who you spoke with but we do not have an "All Bacon and Grits" diet plan. Sorry that you were misinformed but both of those foods actually help you GAIN weight instead of losing it. We're sure that you can move your passion for those foods to more healthy options like carrots and whole wheat bread! Secondly, those "whores on the T.V" that you talk about in your letter are actually our current spokeswomen. We are positive that Kirsti and Valarie will not be interested in doing the "Sir Charles Sex Shuffle" with you and we're certainly not going to recommend they put on "20 or 30 pounds of cushion for the pushin" that you feel is necessary. Again, the whole point of our program here at Jenny Craig is losing weight and becoming more healthy. Who knows, maybe getting into shape will help that golf swing of yours... sorry, we couldn't help ourselves! We hope that you'll grab the bull by the horns (no, this is not a pun about you never beating the Bulls during your playing days) and lose the weight you gained when you ate Steve Kerr. You'll be helping us as well; a public image firm recently told us to bring on a male spokesperson and, if you pass, we'll have to go with our backup plan and bring on Jason "I'll always be George Costanza" Alexander. No one wants to see that Charles, no one. We look forward to hearing from you!
Sincerely, The People at Jenny Craig
Circa 2005:
We got this email from a friend of a friend who was hacking into Jose Conseco's email account. He wants to stay anonoymus so we'll change his name around. Thanks Mrian BcNamee!
Big Mac, Where were you yesterday buddy? We were supposed to be shooting the cover of my new book "Juiced"! Remember, we agreed to take the photo where you were bending over and I was injecting you with that novelty size hypodermic needle I got from the Jersey shore last summer? Don't tell me you're getting cold feet now. This was YOUR plan all along. You came to me and said "Dude, the Bash Bros need a TV show. Let's write a book about when we did steroids and smacked dingers all day and then call out all of the other players who we knew juiced!" You said we'd make millions because whistle blowers are all the rage now and that people would love us again. That's all I want Big Mac, I want people to love me! I'm beginning to believe this is a set up. I'm still waiting for you to finish up your section of the book, don't you think you should have finished that already? I mean, if you don't get it in soon they're just going to publish my part. Don't you think a book with just my side of the story would make me look like an asshole taking advantage of you? Also, I'm starting to think that just having my name on the book might be a bad thing. I can't think of any reason you wouldn't want to be a visible part of this! I was talking to McNamee and he said I was getting paranoid. He said I should probably stop taking the roids, that using them for this long might start making me crazy. Crazy?!? Is it crazy to want to look this good? So what if the last time I saw my balls was when Clinton was president, I've gotta get my swell on! Mac Attack, I hope you're not planning on letting me do this solo. I told you if I don't get a big payday from this I'll have to start fighting celebs for money. That's SO beneath me... Look, I've rescheduled the shoot for next week. Just make sure you're there and bring some of that new Andro gel you've been raving about.
Later. Your Pretty Steroid Princess, Jose
Circa 2009:
Sticking with topics close to our hearts, and about subjects we care deeply about, we were thrilled when our old friend Michael Phelps sent us the rough draft of a letter he was composing in retaliation to being dropped as a sponsor for the Wheaties brand. Ever since that photo was snapped of him taking a massive lap around the bong he has wanted his side heard. Soo:
Dear Wheaties,
Special K is a much better product. It offers all the energy and nutrition I need without forcing me to lie to my fans. If I want to enjoy an occasional bong rip after winning 8 gold medals, then who are you to judge? Sure it suddenly makes sense why I intake 15,000 calories a day, but it doesn't make sense why you would drop me so suddenly. You have to look at what could have been. Today's kids are all about the sugary cereal, nobody wants the health food crap. They want sugar, sugar, and more sugar; sometimes accompanied by a goofy mascot. You already had gold, what's goofier than my face? Right now, you don't even have a mascot for the company. Nothing says champion like a drawing of a grown man in speedo's enjoying a bowl of Wheaties. Imagine the cartoon commercials of me racing past Tony the Tiger, or me out swimming the Cheerio's bee in a pool of honey. Come on, how good would that be? Well, we will never know. Speaking of cereal I have a really bad case of the munchies right now..... I wonder if Taco Bell is open this late...... This screen saver on my mac is so pretty, the colors......... Did I mention that I won 8 gold medals.........I'm getting kinda sleepy now, so I better wrap this up...... In closing your company will live to regret this as I have just signed a mega-deal with with Frankenberry cereal brand. They didn't even have to change the logo, just a picture of me with two bolts glued on now. So suck on that for a while, while I suck down my bowl of sugary milk. MMMMMM, victory.
Sincerely-Michael K. Phelps
As you can see, over the years we have helped out a lot of our friends. Sometimes it requires burying a dead hooker in the desert after Tiger calls you up at 3 AM, sometimes its as simple as giving someone a shoulder to cry on because the roids are really messing with them( It's ok Barry, it happens to everyone.) Except us of course. No problem to big, no friend to small. A friend in need is a friend indeed. So until next time, Yamabethur.
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