For those who have followed our careers from our humble beginnings in the halls of ol' WHS, to those who have just recently embraced the dark side and discovered the anger and glory of our practices, we thank you. 10 years ago, the two of us didn't even know each other, now we are smoking stogies and enjoying a ballgame or killing a hooker together nearly every weekend. (Just kidding everyone, we only Dexter hobo's). It has been a year full of surprises, but even more so, it has been an amazing decade in the wide world of sports. From records considered unbreakable, to moments every sports fan would love to call a mulligan on. We have all laughed, cried, jumped for joy, and even at times vomited in our own mouths. We are actually doing two of the four right now while we think about how Tom Brady has spent the past 10 years. Gisele and Bridget Moynahan. WTF!?! On that unfair note, we submit to you, in some sort of order, our top 10 most important and life changing sports moments of the past decade. Why post this in the new decade you may ask? Because you can’t truly look back on the decade until that decade is done… and we’re lazy.
1.) Tiger Woods: Man, Golf God, Sex Machine
It would be impossible for us to do this piece without mentioning the Associated Press' Athlete of the decade. However, due to a recent restraining order we were served after our last article, we cannot really go into this subject in any great detail. But let us just say this, no Modern athlete has transformed their collective sport more than Tiger. He made it cool to watch golf, and he was winning every title in sight while arm pumping and swooshing his way to victory. In June 1999, Woods won the Memorial Tournament, a win that marked the beginning of one of the greatest sustained periods of dominance in the history of men's golf. He completed his 1999 campaign by winning his last four starts—including the PGA Championship—and finished the season with eight wins, a feat not achieved in the past 25 years. So the question has to be asked; will Tiger's recent "transgressions" forever tarnish his image as the greatest golfer known to man since Pappy O' Daniels was hitting stones in the 1800's or will he come back stronger then ever and make us all enjoy a dish of crow pie?
2.) The Poster Boy and Face of the NFL. Manning vs. Brady
Two men have stood like Titans over the game of football for the better part of this decade; Tom Brady and Peyton Manning. Both are statistically superior to most every other quarterback in league history and yet they've gone about it in two completely different ways. A sixth round compensatory pick with the looks of a GQ model vs. a home-fed country boy who looks like Dawson's Creek gone country. One comes into the draft knowing his value, and doing whatever it takes to become the #1 overall pick. The other is so unsure of his abilities that he actually hired a sports psychologist to help him cope with frustration and anxiety and even considered transferring to Cal. Manning is one of only two three-time NFL MVP's and was in arguably one of the best athlete related skits in SNL history ( If you haven't seen the guy's acting chops, just stop reading and watch anything on YouTube with Peyton in it. You will poop yourself). Brady? Let's just say that Manning has more class then to pretend he's a cowboy and sell hundred dollar perfume. You see, what Peyton has had to earn his entire life, Brady has had handed to him on a silver platter. (Aside from the whole almost going undrafted thing). Frankenstein Dawson has had to overcome a lot. His father is one of the best collegiate QB's of all time, his younger and uglier brother has been nipping at his heals his whole life, and did we mention he is hideous? And yet he has a fire in his belly which drove him to tell Indianapolis executives that if they didn't draft him #1 he was going to spend the next 15 years kicking their ass. Wow... The last time Tom Brady made a threat along those lines was when a Starbucks barista got his double whip, half-caf, soy infused frapalattechino order wrong. Talk about throwing a hissy fit. This guy makes the Olsen twins seem butch. Peyton has been a consistent killer in the regular season, making the people he plays with not only look good but look HALL OF FAME good. Take, for example, Edgerrin James. He was a superstar in Indy because the threat of a Peyton manning bomb to the end zone made opposing defenses play off the line. SUPPOSEDLY a great running back, Edge went to Arizona and played with the likes of Matt Leinart and got his ass kicked out of the league. Without Manning's superb control of the game, the holes dried up for Edge like water in the Arizona desert and he couldn't cut it (Granted, playing with Matt Leinert as a running back is like finding out you have terminal cancer; the end is sooner than you think). Who's career has Brady elevated? Well lots of people, but that’s not really the point now is it? Sure he took the NFL's poster boy of bad behavior Randy Moss and made him a pro bowler, and alright so his # 1 receiver the past 2 years has been a guy shorter then Papa Smurf. But do those really make him the best of the best? Can you really respect a guy who carries around an Indiana Jones man purse and has his tips frosted on a weekly basis? This is football we are talking about, not book club with the church ladies. While neither Peyton Manning or Tom Brady can come close to dethroning Joe Montana as the greatest quarterback in the history of the game, we give the edge to Peyton just because we can't give anything more to a guy who dates and knocks up a supremely beautiful woman only to dump her and knock up another supremely beautiful woman. It just ain't fair...
3.) Testicular and Brain Cancer Survivors Wing
We are going to take a trip into Imaginationland for this part folks. Let's all just close our eyes, and imagine the light stylings of Sade serenading us to a better place. Are you here with us? Good, now pretend for a moment that you just found out you not only have brain cancer but a nice bit of testicular cancer to top it off. Hold on a moment, take the gun out of your collective mouths. Life is not over as you know it. It turns out that is the best thing to ever happen to you. Not only will you live a long and happy life where you go on to produce four children with two different woman, nail Sheryl Crow, and be featured in a big budget Vince Vaughn movie but you actually go on to become the most recognizable person to ride a Bicycle since......ahh hell who are we kidding, naming another famous bicyclist is like trying to name all the Baldwin brothers. Just can't be done. So you lose part of your manhood, then go on to win your sports most coveted award 7 times in a row. That's like the opposite of Barry Bond's career (Ed. Note: Kyle was punched in the kidney for writing about Bonds outside of a baseball article). One of the downsides is that you have to hang out with losers like Robin Williams (Latin name: Harrious Knucleum Maximus) and Matthew "Beef's what's for dinner" McConaughey. Yet, all of this is not the one thing most people will remember about Sir Lancelot; it's those god damn yellow Livestrong bracelet that everyone and their grandmothers had for a while. Nike, we mean (cough, cough) charity must have made millions off those things! It spawned four copy cats, then Sham wow and then the Snuggie. It went viral. Think about this though. For almost the better part of this decade we were glued to the TV during Tour de France time, actually sometimes watching it on the VS network (We know, you're ashamed of us). With Lance out of it, though, no one gives a shit about cycling anymore. The reason we bring this up is that cycling's most comparable televised sport, golf, just lost their superstar for an indefinite period of time while he tries to remember what it feels like to have sex with someone married to him. Could we be on the cusp of no one giving a shit about golf anymore? We think we're already there. Ain't no one trying to watch a final matchup between Lefty and Padraig. If you know who we're talking about then you know we're right. In conclusion, Lance Armstrong is the most Bad Ass MOFO since Arnold showed up naked at the beginning of T2.
4.) America's Past time, Stickball 101
If you have made it this far through the article, we salute you. You are a true fan, and have deep anger burning inside you. Come to think of it, you might want to get that checked out, but we digress. Any die hard sports fan has one topic that we would all rather never get mentioned. For one half of this due, we are talking about the horrible mess surrounding baseball and its "shocking" steroid use. While we understand this all started a few years before this generation began, it would be unfair to say all the blame belongs on the huge lumberjack shoulders of Mark "Big Mac" McGwire and Swingin' Sammy. For a few years there we saw players the size of jockeys averaging 40 home runs, and pitchers coming back from Tommy John surgery 2 weeks after the procedure (We are looking at you Brian Roberts. You’re like the size of the kids in Honey I shrunk the kids.). As usual, nobody wanted to accept the truth. Who didn't want to see Barry Bonds not only hit 73 home runs in a single season, but break Hank Aaron's all-time career home run record? Even if you were a Bond's hater, you still want to see history being made during your lifetime. People try to make Bond's out to be the big head of the steroids era (pun very much intended. Get it, his head was huge.) However, now we all must deal with the black eye left on America's past time. Speaking of black eyes in baseball, how about that dickwad Alex Rodriguez? While watching his admission special hosted by Peter Gammons( you will be missed ), we weren't sure what was more offensive, him speaking broken English while he cried his eyes out, or the fact that he did so while wearing a Mr. Rogers sweater. Bitch, we don't want to be your neighbor, maybe Kate Hudson, but not you. Worst of all, the year after he admits steroid use, and god punishes him by breaking his hip the baseball gods shower him with a World Series title. Now folks, get ready for a wild ride, because we are about to once and for all decide who is the greater super power in the world of Major League Baseball. (Note: This section will also be HGH free.) For all those member of Red Sox Nation out there with the raging hard-ons and Yankees suck shirts, we hear you. The Curse has been broken, and you won two championships within 3 years of each other. Hazaaa! After years, and years, and years of disappointment, no other fan base was more deserving than you. Each decade you had multiple tragic events prevent you from reaching the top of the baseball world. For example: Bucky "f@*#ing" Dent's hommer in 1978, who could forget '86 with the legendary Bill Buckner play, or in '03 when it became Aaron "f@*#ing" Boone. After 86 years though, it finally happened. You had an all-star team for a roster, and finally did what we had all hoped and dethroned the Yankee's. Speaking of evil empires back on the rise, how about them Yankees? The 2009 payroll was just a smidge over $192,000,000. That’s right everyone, count all them zeros. When you employ the best of the best and pay them more than anyone can offer because there is no rule against it, should we really celebrate you winning? That's like cheering for the non-disabled person participating in the special Olympics, sure a win’s a win but have you no shame? Not to mention, as soon as a player dons pinstripes they immediately become dirty and tainted. We thought pin stripes were supposed to have a slimming effect, instead, half of New York thought thanksgiving was early when they saw the group of kids walking C.C. out to the mound like a Macy's balloon. You may have the most titles of all time, legions of loyal fans, and billions of dollars to waste each year, but you are no team of the decade. If you think its anyone other than the Red Sox, you are crazier then Don Zimmer the day he charged Pedro like an angry senile bull.
5.) The Beijing Olympics: The Most Amazing Thing China Has Done Since P.F Changs
When deciding which Olympics to choose as the best we quickly eliminated the Aussies. Sydney was too close to the past millennium and, let's get real, if Michael Phelps isn't dominating in it it's not a real Olympics. That left us with Athens and Beijing (The Winter games are NOT Olympics); honestly a tough decision. In the end though, the ancestral home of the games just couldn't compete with the jaw dropping production value of the Beijing games (We're pretty sure Michael Bay had something to do with the opening ceremony) and the epic American victories that followed. Let us recap a little of what made the Beijing Olympics so gosh darn spectacular. Firstly, if you weren't blown away by the Opening ceremony you either A.) Didn't watch it or B.) Get violently sick by watching amazing shows of visual brilliance or C.) Didn't watch it. If you fall under the A or C category, go to the nearest computer and set aside 40 minutes to watch the entire thing, NOW. We're not going anywhere, just go! For those of you who fall under category B, go to the tallest building close to you and jump off the roof because you've missed an event so fundamental to the current human condition that you're like that guy who never got the message that cars were invented. End your horse and buggy existence friends because that show changed the way we live our lives. Like a laser light show on baseball sized steroids, the Beijing opening ceremony was freaking amazing and, what made it even better, was that China said "You know what, we've got 1.6 billion people in our country, why not put EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM in show?" What we got was insane coordinated drumming, 20,000 fireworks, floating montages of China's history and, again, billions and billions of Chinese all dressed to the nine doing the craziest things imaginable for our viewing pleasure. Simply marvelous. It made us wonder if we Americans could pull off a coordinated event of that magnitude, but we are all far to ADD to pull off anything close to an event like that. There'd be that ONE drummer who would have to break the third wall and wave to the camera. It probably would have been you, it probably would have been us; the one thing that we do know is that when Americans get a shot at their fifteen minutes, they take it (Looking at you Jon Gosslein… Oh and we ordered fries with that burger, not onion rings). When it was all over, you kind of forgot that this was the OPENING for something and not the main event. When the dust settled and the LSD subsided, we got into our chairs and watched ourselves some sport competition.
The Redeem team won over our hearts like no Olympic basketball team has since the Dream. We won, so of course we loved it but what was so great was the fact that we beat some actual competition. A Spanish team lead by Horseface McGee (Pau Gasol), Horceface McGee Jr. (Marc Gasol), Rudy and the Golden Child Ricky Rubio definitely gave our boys a run for their money but the unstoppable tandem of D Wade and apparently the best international 5 there is, Lebron James, sent them back to Madrid with only their Gucci glasses and fancy European sports cars to keep them from crying. It didn't help us though, we bawled like babies when the medal ceremony came on at 3 in the morning. America's got the basketball gold again! Welcome home...
6.) Half-man, Half machine or 100% Dolphin boy?
Ok, Michael Phelps, before he turned into a walking public service warning against smoking weed was a freaking stud in the water. They were actually considering making a biography about his life titled: Mermen, but had to postpone production after he was caught taking bong rips bigger than half the Chinese swimming team. In retrospect, it may have been blown slightly out of proportion considering what the boy did in the pool. With 37 world records (29 individual, 8 relay) as of August 2nd, 2009, Phelps has set more records than any other swimmer in history, surpassing Mark Spitz's previous record of 33 world records (26 individual, 7 relay). He doesn't need any fancy Nike or Speedo brand shark skin suits to make him swim better or faster. He just uses the world’s largest set of lungs ever given out, (aside from those of Willie Nelson and Rickey Williams) to swim past any person, large sea mammal, or shellfish stupid enough to challenge him. He won races by a mile; he won races by 0.01 seconds, and prompted the Serbian delegation to file a protest. When they slowed it down to frames shot 1/10,000th of a second apart all that was proved was that his arm began to stretch out and touch the wall like Michael Jordan at the end of Space Jam. Not only was the entire world treated to the second coming of Aqua Man, but we were also given the joy of seeing a man so fast that he could talk smack with his hands all the while embarrassing every other runner in the lanes. Usain Bolt was quicker than a fifth grader’s recess. Aqua Man and The Flash in one Olympics? How's that not gonna make the list? P.S. can you think of a more entertaining smoke session than Michael Phelps, The Angry Guys, Willie Nelson, and Rickey Williams?
7.) The Malice at Auburn Palace
There is a legend that speaks of a child who was as strong as an Ox but also as obnoxious as an ass. Given over to a deeply secluded monastery in the small hamlet of New York by his family, the boy was entrusted to a circle of Monks adhering to the ancient arts of the mystical Harlem Globetrotters. They were excellent teachers of the basketball arts, crafting the child into an unstoppable offensive and defensive force. However, when the child would act out they would punish him by administering the "Low Calorie Cola Face Slap", essentially throwing cup after cup of Diet Coke into his face until the child relented and apologized. Little did those venerable monks know that what they were doing to the child they called Ron-Ron would deeply scar him for life and set off a set of cataclysmic events which would culminate into the single greatest shitstorm ever caught on live TV until Kanye West became famous. Yes people, we're talking about the Brawl at Auburn Hills. Probably the greatest thing about the brawl was that Artest went after the wrong guy at first. The definition of an "Oh Shit" face must have a picture of this guy the second before Artest takes his head off with a haymaker straight to the jaw. Never before had anything remotely close to what happened at the palace taken place within professional sports and, as fans, we Angry Guys couldn't get enough. It was like watching your favorite sitcom live on network TV when, all of the sudden, one of the actors starts drunkenly improvising while all the other cast members just look confused and try to go along with it. Pure television gold. The icing on the cake was listening to the commentators trying to balance their "oh my god what a disgrace" remarks with their natural sportscaster instincts to start giving a detailed blow by blow like it was a heavyweight title fight. Sadly, the only athlete to get his ass handed to him by a fan was our own Freddie Jones of Duck fame who was annihilated by David Wallace, the brother of Piston's center Ben Wallace. Ben Wallace is a big guy but his brother is even BIGGER which meant that High Flyin Freddie really never had a chance. Unfortunately because David Stern can't afford to have another heart explode in his chest like it did that night, the NBA has made changes to prevent fan/player skirmishes from ever happening. Too bad, because that fight was the last competitive battle we've seen on an Eastern conference court in a long time.
8.) The Decade of the Thug in Sport
Yes, the thuggery in sports is one of the top moments of the decade. Some of you are probably thinking "why aren't they talking about that Boise State guy proposing to his girlfriend the cheerleader?" or “why don't they consider the Winter Olympics a sporting event; I liked Salt Lake City!" Some of you are also probably at the wrong website. If you want cheesy feel good sports stories about people overcoming adversity or puppies playing D-II basketball get your ass over to ESPN. It's got Rick Reilly's over-the-hill articles that read like "Dear Abby" and "Men of a Certain Age" had a boring ass baby and SportsNation; a show devoted solely to telling you what you like about sports. Seriously. If you know sports, then you already know what we're talking about and you aren't afraid of going to the dark side. We ain't talkin about practice. Mike Vick gets alot of the heat as the poster child for thuggery in sports today and while most of it is deserved; let us give some credit to the forefathers of this brotherhood. Shall we not forget St. Pacman Jones; the man who made it rain dollar bills and bullets whenever he wanted. He spat on women, drove cars impounded for trafficking cocaine, and beat up strippers who tried to collect the money he threw at them. Pacman was a habitual line stepper who's sad story led him to the Winnipeg Blue Bombers (Believe us, this is what happens when all the good names are already taken) only to lose the gig when he confused the Canadian Football league with the Ultimate Football League. Jeez, how could he do that... Nor can we forget Sir. Maurice Clarett. Unlike Pacman, Maurice did insanely retarded things like robbing people without the guaranteed money cushion of a 1st round draft pick. Instead, he gave up close to half a million in guaranteed money for a contract loaded with incentives for achieving ridiculously difficult feats like multiple seasons with over 1000 yards and removing his underwear without taking his pants off. That's not really thuggish but it is freaking retarded. Poor Maurice is currently serving time in prison so, while he qualifies for grand thug status, we can't say he started the trend. We must go back further. We will, however, give him credit for starting the bullet proof vest look for athletes which is something he probably picked up from his buddy Suge Knight. Better than Vick or even Maurice and Pacman are a couple of the Angry Guys best pals. One graduated from our great alma mater Woody Wilson High, the other graduated from the bottoms of our heart. They defined an era with bright yellow hummers and headbands, bringing Portland's great basketball tradition to the breaking point. So much talent and oh so many great memories that have nothing to do with basketball. We are, of course, talking about the late and great Rasheed Wallace and Damon Stoudemire. Of course the Jailblazers started this whole trend. Sheed set one of the most untouchable records in sports at 38 technicals and then, in 2000, HE BREAKS HIS OWN RECORD and drops 41 unforgettable tantrum moments on us that each resulted in the opposing team getting a free throw. When you have two special players like that on sour roster, you know you are in for a few fun and unpredictable seasons. Sure Sheed hated every moment he spend in Portland, but wont we all look back fondly on his time spent in P-town?. From staying in the parking lot 2 hours after a game just so you can threaten the life of an elderly official, to throwing a towel in the face of our one moral player: Arvydas Sabonis in his final playoff game as a Blazer. We may not remember the titles or lack there off, but we will always have the memories of Raweed and Mighty Mouse.
9.) The 2003 NBA Draft
We were juniors in High School at the time but we already knew more about sports than pretty much anyone else in the history of sports or people. So when we started getting excited about the importance of the 2003 NBA draft, we got everyone else pumped about it as well. For a moment there it looked like we had even given Gordon Gund his sight back, but alas it wasn't meant to be. He had to instead settle for a King. The class was star studded and there were quite a few teams at the top (Cleveland, Miami, Toronto and of course the goddamn Clippers) that desperately needed an influx of talent. Included were players of every sort; uber-talented high schoolers, one and done college superstars, mysterious foreign 7 footers and college upperclassmen that had the game and the maturity to take off right away in the league. The biggest debate us Angry Guys were having at the moment other than should we or should we not eat cookies off the ground was who should go #1? There were only two players in this discussion and each had the potential to be not only team changers but league changers. Lebron James and Darko Milicic... Now while most of you were probably expecting Dwayne Wade or Carmelo Anthony, the consensus at the time was that this was a two man draft between Darko and Lebron. Everyone now knows why Cleveland picked Lebron; the man is the son of Zeus and beasts people without effort every night with his creepy blend of size and athleticism. Darko, however, was the more refined player. He was huge ( 7 foot, 275) and had the shooting stroke of Reggie Miller. League execs who went over to Serbia (this is how good they thought this MoFo was going to be; they traveled to a warzone to watch him practice) came back convinced there was nothing this guy couldn't do. He physically overpowered everyone he played against and there wasn't a place on the floor he couldn't score from (of course we all know now he was playing against Serbian midgets in those practices). Our conversation at school was, quite literally, this: Lebron will sell more tickets because of his popularity but Darko will (pause, wait for it...) end up being the better player over time because of his skill set... Even though he was the FIRST of the that class to win a championship ring, we'll admit that in the long term Lebron will probably be the better player. But the beauty of this draft was not that it contained the best future player in the league but that it contained 3 or 4 of the best future players in the league. For god’s sake 4 of the top 5 picks are NBA All-Stars and members of the Redeem team. The 2003 draft class has drawn comparisons to the legendary 1984 and 1996 NBA Draft classes. Only time will tell how this one turns out, but from what we have so far it looks like we are in for another glorious decade of hardwood classics.
10.) The Series Which Must not be Named
Every true blazer fan knows of a time when they cried their eyes out. A time when their hearts were torn from their chests by an overweight D-List actor and a lip-licking snake who raped people. We are talking about the day when fun died in Portland, June 4th 2000. Nothing in this sporting decade has even come close to game 7 of the Western Conference Finals in terms of sheer pain inflicted. Now, just to clarify, we are the Angry Guys and not the Guys who Cry at Everything and Anything. However, after that game both of us looked like Latrell Sprewell two years after he rejected a multi-million dollar contract from the Timberwolves and was standing in the line for unemployment; covered in tears. Let's set the stage, shall we, for the uninitiated. The 1999-2000 Blazers had a great team of role players and good character guys who worked together in perfect harmony to dominate opponents. You had Brian "I lead my own army" Grant, Steve "I've never seen a puppy I didn't have to stop and hug" Smith, Damon "Can I get a headband" Stoudamire and Arvydas "I'm getting WAY too old for this shit" Sabonis. Mix in a dominant Rasheed Wallace and the league's ultimate sidekick Scottie Pippen and you had the recipe for some fun basketball. Remember that there really was no star on this team (no one averaged more than 17 points a game) and that the West was INCREDIBLY more talented and competitive than the East. Everyone knew that whichever team won the West would roll over a Pacers team protected in the frontcourt by Rik Smits and Dale Davis. Battling back from a 3-1 deficit, the Blazers forced a game 7 in LA and played their hearts out. Leading by 15 points with ten minutes to go, the Blazers had almost assured that Arvydas Sabonis' wife would be getting her 18th DUI driving back from a Western Champs celebration party. Alas, it was not the case and Ms.Sabonis had to stay sober. The mitigating factor for the Blazers was that they had no superstar to lean on in the clutch. Steve Smith had 18 in the game but went 3-10 in the 4th. Pippen had 12 in the game but disappeared from the game in the 4th, apparently looking for Michael Jordan to win a game for him. The Lakers didn't have this problem. Kobe and Shaq eviscerated our hapless blazers with a little help from Ron Harper and jump started a decade of Laker's Suck chants from the entire population of Portland by Alley-Ooping on our hopes and dreams. A 20-9 run in the 4th and a final score of 89-84... The kicker to this sweet story was that this loss marked the beginning of the Jail Blazer era when we had to deal with the likes of Reuban Patterson, Bonzi Wells and Zach Randolph blacking out and spitting on our great franchise until the later part of the decade. Just know this Shaq and Kobe; we might respect you as great players but wherever you are just know that there at least two insanely Angry Guys out there who hate your guts. Some day we will find you, incapacitate you and destroy your minds by forcing you to watch and rewatch Steel. Until then we will have to live with the pain of watching you guys destroy our championship dreams. It might not be nice but the 2000 Western Conference Finals was one of the top moments of this past decade.
On that note, we are out. Happy New Year, fa la la la la, and all that other junk. It's nap time, and we can’t wait to go try out our new matching snuggies.
