The Damon Stoudamire great Rookie on a god awful team Award: Tyreke Evans
When picking rookie of the year, what is the correct criteria on which to judge? Do you pick based on the fact that one option looks like a pre-pubescent alien boy? Do you pick based on the fact that one is a Terminator sent back through time to change the game of basketball? Perhaps none of that matters when picking rookie of the year. The real and only quality worth judging a rookie on, is the Gamer factor. Can that poor young boy step up night after night against the toughest men in the game and still leave you open-mouthed wanting more. There are three very real options this year. All have shown moments of brilliance, and all have a right at the crown. However, just like Highlander, there can only be one. He averaged 20-5-5 during his rookie campaign, and became just the fourth NBA player in history to ever average 20-5-5 in his rookie year, joining Oscar Robertson, Michael Jordan and LeBron James. Not really much else needs to be said, when you're in a class like that. Big ups Tyreke, see in you Sacramento next year. Ouch.........
Honerable Mention:
Brandon Jennings- Milwaukie Bucks , Steph Curry- Golden State Warriors
The Larry Bird Memorial Award for White Guy Black People would most want to play with: David Lee
For anyone who hasn't seen "White Men Can't Jump" you get the idea of the movie by reading the title. White guys just can't dunk with the best of them, just can't swat shots like the rest of them. Most of us look like WNBA rejects (for more information on this, read our section on the WNBA) because of our lack of hops and such. However, every blue moon a white guy is born with the skills to pay some moderately big bills and competes like a champ at the highest level. The Larry Birds and John Stocktons of the world stand out so much because they are the rarest gems: white guys with unstoppable basketball skills. These are the guys picked first in inner city leagues not because they're somebody's friend but because, if you don't pick them, they're going to make you look silly all day long. For the past few years, David Lee has been this man in the NBA. Quietly a double double machine, this man put up 20 and 12 this year for the Knicks and is a sneakily athletic player who won the 2001 McDonald's All-America Dunk contest. The man is only the 11th Knick ever to score ten CONSECUTIVE double doubles and became the only Knick next to Patrick Ewing to put up more than 30 points and 20 rebounds in a single game. The icing on the cake? He's one of the only star whities in the league who isn't a primary placesetter for his teammates. Lee averages less than 2 assists per game which means he cares more about taking it to the hole than picking up dimes. While efficient passers are an important part of any team, stars are scorers in this league and David Lee is just that, a star.
Honerable Mention:
Steve Nash and Luke Ridnour
The Dennis Rodman Psychedelic Afro Best Hair Award: Brandon Jennings
Every now and again a player comes along and not only transforms the game of basketball, but catches the entire nation's attention while doing so. Our winner for this pick is a player who does not shy away from attention or scrutiny. He enjoys when others doubt him, and loves to have the weight of the world on his shoulders alone. So when you're 19 years old and afraid of nothing how do you go one step farther and cement yourself in NBA lore? Aside from getting the miserable Bucks into the playoffs? Well, you reach into your bag of tricks and bust out a hair style older than you are. For this we honor you Brandon Jennings, your flat top fade was not only an inspiration to us, but to all of the other young boys and girls who want to look like they just stepped into or out of a Hot Tub Time Machine. For this we give you the Funky Cold Medina award for best hair.
Honerable Mention:
Robin Lopez-Jerricurl fro, Ron Artest- Wacky lines/colors/shapes
Most Valuable Player: LeBron James
What can we really say here that hasn't already been said about 50 millions times. "LeBron is the Shit", "Oh my god, LeBron just saved a baby from being trampled." " LeBron your penis is huge" Sorry for the last one, we just assume that's the case. The guy has so much damn Swagger, he has to have Jay-Z brush the dirt off for him. Seriously though, what can we say. LeBron James is a freak of nature and we are loving every single minute of it. We may have missed Jordan in his prime, or been too young to appreciate it, but we plan to soak up every last drop of goodness that LeBron gives us. Like a sponge. Like Spongebob Squarepants actually. We may never see another athlete quite like LeBron. He is build like a middle linebacker, with the quickness of a Leopard. He understand the game better then arguably any player past or present ever has. He makes old vets look like rooks, and he makes rooks look like infant girls. If he keeps this shit up, we might just have to reconsider the Greatest of All-Time title. Until then rest easy Bobby Hurley your title is safe. For now......
Honerable Mention:
Kevin Durant, maybe. This one wasn't close at all.
The Adam Morrison I play like a girl and should be sent down to the WNBA Award: Adam Morrison
Most NBA teams don't sell out their arenas but they still, on average, draw almost 17,000 people a night to watch their games. Playing in those same arenas the WNBA can't average even half of that number, pulling in an average of 8,000 fans a night. Many explanations exist for why the WNBA has never taken off: they don't play good dates and times because of scheduling conflicts with the NBA or the average male sports fan can't appreciate a game played by women or they lack the media buzz surrounding the NBA because no one will give them a good television contract. All of these explanations avoid the giant elephant in the room which is no one watches the WNBA because it is INCREDIBLY BORING. It lacks the excitement of the male game because their players, through no fault of their own, can't play above the rim and settle way too often for jump shots. This version of basketball almost killed the NBA in the 50's until freakishly athletic and supremely better players (aka black people) were allowed to play and made the game exciting. Every year one NBAer plays with the same lack of athletic skill and the same need to shoot the jumper that is killing the WNBA right now and we celebrate him by recommending he move down to the WNBA. This year two players stood out in ours minds as the most capable of playing in a women's league and not having a significant physical advantage. They were Adam Morrison of the Los Angeles Lakers and JJ Reddick of the Orlando Magic. What surprised us was that these two ladylike players were actually the two top college basketball players in 2005-2006! Goes to show how success in college really doesn't translate worth shit into the league. In the end we had to give the award to Morrison who now has less of an effect for his team than Jack Nickleson. While JJ plays like a girl at least he still plays. Adam, enjoy the lack of competition and get your ass fitted for a Chicago Sky jersey. We're sure this will be the first year the WNBA has ever heard a "Draft the Stache" chant!
Honorable Mention:
JJ Reddick, Kyle Korver
Holly Shit, did you see that freak of an Injury Award: Andrew Bogut's Elbow
Best is a very subjective term here because, depending on perspective, it can mean some very different things. For a player, the best injury is one that either doesn't happen at all or one that takes very little time to heal. For a fan, the best injury could be a season ender to your rival's superstar. For us, the morbid fans all of things gruesome and unnatural for the human body to do, the best injury is one that redefines nastyness. Maybe it's the punch that rocketed a guy's eye out of the socket like an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon or maybe it's the knee that articulates 180 degrees the WRONG way. Each year a few choice debilitating injuries are offered up to the alter for Man's insatiable bloodlust (aka Youtube) and watched again and again until the stomach can take no more. Some disappear from memory but the best of the best are stored in a part of the mind that is untouched by the corrosive power of time; still vividly fresh even after years of first glimpse. This year Trailblazer fans were given not one but two monumental knee collapses from big men Greg Oden and Joel Pryzbilla which should have locked one of them into winning this fantastically unfortunate award. Unfortunately for Blazer fans who now have enough experience watching men's knees explode that they could probably tell the difference between an ACL strain and a minscus tear by just watching it happen through a TV, neither of those gentlemen won. This year's best injury has to go to Bucks center Andrew Bogut who had quite possibly the worst joint destruction injury since Shaun Livingston. While watching Oden's GOOD knee buckle cut us to our core, it wasn't so much the injury that hurt but the fact that Oden had just come back from another season ending knee surgery the year before. Bogut's injury grabbed our attention for the sheer nastyness of it and that's why it has won the Angry Guys 2009-2010 Best Injury Award.
Honerable Mention:
Greg Oden's knee, Joel Pryzbillia's knee, Chris Bosh's face
The 1st Annual Player most likely to lose it and go Delonte West Award: Ron Artest
This award here is still fresh in our hearts. For those of you unaware of why we would honor one player with an award named for another player still in the League. Let’s break down exactly what Delonte West was arrested for last year via the Washington Post: West was riding a 3-wheeled motorcycle!
West was carrying 3 firearms!
West cut off a police officer!
West had a Beretta 9mm in his waistband! (Hello Plax!)
West had a Ruger .357 strapped to his leg!
West had a fucking shotgun in a fucking GUITAR CASE slung over his back!
Did we mention the motorcycle had three fucking wheels!?
Now pardon our language, there are a lot of crazy MOFO's in the NBA. Obviously none quite as nutso as Delonte, but in the spirit of all things wacky, we wanted to determine which superstar might be the next to snap and make a Zombie-Apocolypse movie like Mr. West. Sure us selecting Ron Artest isn't much of a stretch as he might actually be crazier than a straw, but you have to admit if it were gonna be anyone, it would be Ron-Ron. Ron Artest has displayed personality traits only seen by the mentally ill or other member of the '04 Indiana Pacers team. During his rookie season in Chicago, he was criticized for applying for a job at Circuit City in order to get an employee discount. He has pissed off coaches, owners, and lord knows how many fellow players. He has calmed down some over the past few seasons, but we still know the real Ron-Ron. This man is so out of his mind that even Charles Manson says: "Damn, that Ninja is Crazy". Growing up in a rough neighborhood Artest claims he witnessed murder on a basketball court. If you want to know just how psycho Ron is, then please listen to this direct quote: "It was so competitive, they broke a leg from a table and they threw it, it went right through his heart and he died right on the court. So I'm accustomed to playing basketball really rough." We the Defense rest.
Honerable Mention:
No other Nominees for this award.
The Lifetime UNachievement Award: Brian Scalabrine
Boston Celtics fans are intensely proud of their teams which probably stems from their storied legacy and generation after generation of winning basketball. It probably also stems from the fact that all Bostonians only have sports to comfort them seeing as all of the good jobs go to rich out-of-towners who go to Harvard and stay in the city. These people, to true Bostonians, are not true real Bostonians because they groom themselves, talk with an accent you can understand and basically have something going for them in life that doesn't revolve around the 4 major Boston sports franchises. This last fact infuriates Bostonians. Unless they have a Good Will Hunting style intellect most Bostonians will live a below average life in a crowded and angry city. Their only real pleasure is watching sports and fantasizing how awesome it would be if they played on one of their favorite teams. Almost always this is the Boston Red Sox but most Bostonians would be equally content to be a Celtic because of their winning legacy and its blatant Irish references (95% of the city is Ginger Irish). Every team has a fan favorite but the Bostonians take it to the next level and designate one bench player as their dreams incarnate who, whenever they play, plays not just for themselves but also for the trampled dreams of the Boston masses. Past players like Bill Walton (crippled but still good) and Tommy Heinsohn (alcoholic chain smoker who also happens to have his number retired in Boston) represented the gutty, win at all costs style scrapper that all good Bostoniers would like to define themselves as. This form of hero worship reached its zenith in 2005 when the Celtics signed Brian Scalabrine. Now, you may be asking yourself why any fan would worship, let alone want, a guy like Scalabrine on your team. This is a very good question. There is no reasonable answer except for the fact that he has orange-red hair like 95% of the city and gets onto the court about as often as any regular Bostonian. When he hits the floor the game is almost always decided by 30+ points and so he represents kind of a Ginger headed singing fat lady for the game. When he plays it's like some lucky Bostonier won a contest and was allowed to play for 1-2 minutes in each blow-out. Factor in that he is statistically the WORST rebounder in the league and has the lowest PER of any player and you understand that he only exists as a professional athlete because of the extremely strong emotional connection Bostoniers have for him. We don't understand it and we won't ask them to change but by keeping such a horrible player on the roster for so long, Bostonians have forced us to give one of their own the 1st annual Lifetime UNachievement award to one Brian Scalabrine. We're sure there will be celebrating in Boston because of this tomorrow night.
Honorable Mentions:
There are none
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