NBA's Ugliest of All-Time
PG: Sam Cassell
Standing 6 ft 3 out of Florida State University, the one, the only, the original Space Jam
Martian playing for
our hearts.
Sam Cassell.
Never has there been an athlete quite like Sam Cassell, a man so ugly that he could be compared to multiple Hollywood creatures. Does he look like should be climbing Mt. Mordor with Sam and Frodo? Yes. Does he look like he should be wrapped in a blanket and flying in front of the moon while Eliot peddles towards freedom? Very much so. So we have here a man who looks like a horrible combination of a space alien and a creepy hobbit man. At this point you are probably wondering how this guy isn't locked in a cage in some adventures collection, and the answer is simple. Ball don't know ugly, and thats how a man like this can go on to be a three time NBA Champion and two time NBA All-Star. Bless the USA, where an Illegal hobbit alien can earn millions of dollars and live the dream.
SG: Rick Barry
Not only was Rick Barry an ugly individual but he also had the ugliest free throw shot ever; the granny shot. Yes, an actual NBA player used to use the granny shot to shoot from the charity stripe. With small squinty eyes, translucent skin and a bald head covering that looked like he skinned a shitzu, Rick Barry can be considered the grandfather of ugly NBA players. He is, quite literally, father to four OTHER ugly NBA players. Jon and Brent are probably the most recognizable but let's not forget Drew and Scooter. Together this five-some of Ugly Barrys could have a very lucrative career opening up a freakshow. Personally we would pay them just to remove themselves from the public eye so we don't have to see them anymore. That recurring dream where Rick Barry's toupee is chasing us is just happening too often for comfort, Rick just make it stop! So Rick, while you were a stud basketball player in your own time you make our list because you've passed your hideous and disfigured genes on too many times. If you ever see a Barry kick them in the nuts to prevent them from breeding. Trust us, you're doing the world a huge favor. SF: Larry Bird
One of the greatest if not the greatest basketball player of the 1980's, Larry Legend is quite possibly the ugliest person ever to come out of the Ugliest named town ever (French Lick... seriously, WTF?). So ugly he was the only guy in the 80's who couldn't pull off the mustache. So ugly he was originally cast as the face of Darth Vader in Return of the Jedi but had to pullout because of scheduling conflicts. We love you Larry because you are one of the greatest to ever play the game but, goddamn, your face makes us cry when we look at it.PF: Shelden Williams
It almost seems mean for us to pick on this guy. But then you look at how life has turned out for him. He has faced a lot of obstacles in his life, yet time and time again he has overcome. He got kicked in the face by a mule at the tender age of 8, got hit with an ugly stick every day throughout high school, but he overcame. He went to Duke and nearly led them to multiple championships. As we all know good things come to those who wait, and boy oh boy did Sheldon hit the jackpot. He managed to land the only relatively good looking WNBA player in league history, when he knocked up and married Candace Parker. So he might be uglier then one of the Ah! Real Monsters, but he is going to be laying on a bed made of money in his 70's from all the skrilla their freaky 7ft basketball babies are going to make. God Bless you Shelden Williams, you ugly SOB.
C: Chris Kaman
It's never a good sign when your nickname is "The Caveman". It's an even worse sign when anthropologists use pictures of your face to get a better understanding of what Neanderthals looked like in the flesh. Such is the life of Chris Kaman, the white giant currently starting for the LA Clippers at center. Naturally an ugly man, Chris of course made it worse for himself by growing his wispy balding blond hair long and not shaving. Maybe he did it so that people would say, "well, if he just cleaned himself up maybe he would look better." Didn't happen. Welcome to the ugly Hall of Fame Chris, you were a shoe-in.6th Man: Luis Scola
GOW: "Scola has to be one of the top 5 ugliest people I have ever seen do anything. And that includes watching aging hippies attempt to hoola hoop to bluegrass music in rural Oregon. It looks like he’s not even trying. With a face like that, one would think that he would at least get a haircut and maybe a shave, but not Scola! God bless him. He looks like somebody took one of those really manly WNBA stars and hit her in the face with a snow shovel full of grease, facial hair and awkward teeth. Even Chris Kaman eventually figured out that the long hair is not the way to go, and I’m not sure that guy owns a mirror."NOTE: This is not a pick we condone, but our editor threatened to destroy us and everything we hold dear by using any of the three unforgivable curses from Harry Potter if we didn't include this guy.
Coach: Jeff Van Gundy
Most people who watch basketball on TV will often hear commentary that helps them better understand the game. Broadcast teams are usually made up of ex-coaches who know the game very well and are able to break down the ins and outs of basketball so that average people can understand. This does not happen with Jeff Van Gundy. Instead you get insight that would shame Charles Barkley. It's not that what he says doesn't make sense, its the fact that it has nothing to do with basketball. Formerly the coach of the Houston Rockets, Van Gundy has the sunken eyes of a sardine, the bald head shimmer of a newly waxed bowling ball and the voice a asmatic 13 year old nerd who puts his underwear on too tight. He's so ugly that Steve Buschemi is his doppleganger, wasn't the only way the hookers in Fargo could describe him was "He was funny lookin' eh?". It's never good when your brother who looks like Ron Jeremy is described as the "Hot Brother". So in conclusion, too ugly to coach, too ugly to commentate, but just right for this glorious list of ugo's. Share
