STOP BREAKING THE FUCKING LAW!!!!

Dear all Duck athletes,

We Angry Guys have been around for a while and have learned many things. Much of our wisdom comes from living life experiences that would blow the minds of most ordinary people. We taught Dumbo how to fly, taught Eminem how to freestyle, taught William Shakespeare how to write. Through all of these experiences we have learned one golden rule that will lead you to success: DON"T BREAK THE MOTHERFUCKING LAW!!!!!!! While it seems cool at the time, breaking the law never has positive consequences on your career unless you're a mobster or a gangsta rap artist. And while we've been brought in multiple times by our equally rich and aesthetically pleasing Uncle Phil (we're choking on those words as we write them) to teach University of Oregon duck athletes this lesson, they keep showing that they were sleeping through class. From Jerimiah Masoli's five fingered romp through a Eugene Fraternity to the recent allegations that LaMichael FancyFeet James pulled a Latrell Spreewell on his girlfriend, this class of Oregon ducks just doesn't know how to stay on the right side of the law. Boys, let's break it down one last time... When you play well and go to class you have the chance to become an Oregon gridiron legend and make millions of dollars in the NFL. Let's look at recent Duck success stories: Dennis Dixon, Jonathan Stewart, Jarius Byrd, Joey Harrington. Some of those players may not have made it in the NFL (oh Joey...) they still made way more money in a few years than most Duck graduates will make in a lifetime. And, guess what? They're still obsessively worshipped by all Oregon Duck Faithful! If all else fails they could always become a bartender at Taylor's and RAKE IN the tips (Ok, we're dreaming but wouldn't it be awesome to see Joey mixing you a Long island at Taylor's? It would be like an Oregon version of Cheers). Here are the list of talented football players who broke the law, let's see if we can find out what they all have in common: Maurice Clarett, Pacman Jones, Donte Stallworth, Plaxico Burress. Stumped? They're all either in prison, out of the league or making way less money than they should. And you know why??? THEY BROKE THE FUCKING LAW!!!!!!! So as much as you want to steal a laptop which, I'm sure if you asked nice Phil Knight would buy you, or the next time you want to punch out another team's linebacker don't do it. Just pull a George Costanza and do the EXACT OPPOSITE thing that you would normally do in that situation. We're sure it's the right thing to do. And for all you Duck athletes out there doing the right thing we ask you for a favor. Don't let the talented idiots on your team out of your sight for a second... literally. Follow them into the bathroom. Share a room with them bunk bed style. Go to every one of their classes... and bring them with you. Because, you see, you need them to succeed. These guys are first grade morons and when they have millions of dollars you'll be able to con them into giving you money for things like cars, houses and business loans. Think of the time you spend keeping them out of trouble as an investment in your future self. Again, don't break the law and good things will happen to you. Follow that rule and stop destroying our football season before it starts.

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