Like the shirt says.

"Benjamin Todd "Ben" Roethlisberger (born March 2, 1982), nicknamed Big Ben, is an American football quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers of the National Football League. He was drafted by the Steelers 11th overall in the 2004 NFL Draft. He played college football at Miami University (Oxford, Ohio). Roethlisberger earned the AP NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year in 2004. He became the youngest Super Bowl–winning quarterback in NFL history in his second professional season at the age of 23. He currently ranks 9th all-time in NFL passer rating (91.7), 5th in yards per attempt (8.01), and 8th in completion percentage (63.29%) among quarterbacks with a minimum of 1500 career attempts. He has the 5th highest winning percentage (.698) as a starter in the regular season among quarterbacks with a minimum of 80 starts. "

Thank you for that Wikipedia. The world is now a much wiser and better place because of you. However we feel you don't always tell the whole story. For example nowhere in that paragraph did you mention that Ben Roethlisberger is huge flaming douchebag. For Gods sake how is that not your intro for the guy? He looks like a what would happen if One-Eyed Willy from The Goonies and Roseanne Barr got together and did the horizontal hustle. Talk about needing the morning after pill..... too soon? Not soon enough? Well, we only speak the truth around here. So deal. This isn't going to be our most PG article, so if your are easily offended go learn How to Train your Dragon. Let's get Ugly.

First off, how can you not be a douchebag when you get a sexual assault charge brought against you while your sexual assault from LAST YEAR is still in court? Seriously, at least Kobe had some class when he held off on raping women until his case had been finished! Rothelisdouche always has a little smirk on his face like he just got away with something and that makes us want to slap him with our swizzle stick. Everyone who meets him wants to do exactly what god did to him in 2006; put him on a motorcycle without a helmet and throw him through the windshield of an oncoming car. Why, oh why Satan did you have to save his life? On the flipside, God why did you trade his death away for some twizzlers and a six pack of yoohoos? The movie rights alone would have been worth letting him die. Look how good The Blindside just did. We're just saying. Usually when someone goes through a life changing near death experience they come out of wiser and less of a douchebag. Not Big Ben.

Poor life choices aside, lets breakdown exactly what he has accomplished on the gridiron. Multiple Pro Bowls, Multiple Super Bowl Wins. As we stated earlier, he ranks top 10 in nearly every major statistical category for his position. However when you start to dig a little deeper, the ball of yarn begins to unravel. His two super bowl wins come against arguably two of the worst franchises from the past 40 years; the Seattle Seahawks and the Arizona Cardinals. Should we be impressed? Because we are not. The Seahawks are about as good as an XFL team, and the Cardinals are the Clippers of the NFL. Ahhh Burn. Secondly he is about as ugly as a wart on a mexican hairless. But we digress...

Rothelisburger could have been known as a great quarterback, something we sadly admit with the taste of vomit in our mouths. He plays for a stacked team, with one of the most smashmouth, dominating defenses of the early millennium and the good fortune to be in one of the most well managed and storied franchises of the NFL. Instead, we know him now for his epic fuckups; be it throwing women down flights of stairs, molesting Harrah's casino employees, or taking a plate glass windshield to the mouth without a helmet. This guy either can't or won't accept the destiny that awaits him if he just plays the game and stops doing retarded things. To us, all the better. Because the sooner he's suspended or cut, the sooner begins the Dennis Dixon era and the sooner Ducks fans can move on from Joey Harrington (We don't care how good Matthew Stafford is or what he can do; the Detroit Lions are a black hole for quarterbacks... and we aren't just saying that because we're still bitter about Joey Harrington... fuck it, what are we saying. YOU RUINED HIS CAREER DETROIT!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!)

Yamabethur America and good night.