BOOMSHAKALAKA!

Natural talent isn't something that can be measured. Certain athletes are just blessed with that "IT" factor. There isn't one thing that makes them great, it’s a multitude of different factors coming together to make them multi-talented superstar. These skills are easy to recognize in real life. Throughout history, there have been a handful of players just give off that vibe of " I'm 10 times better then you and there is nothing you can do about it". Obviously, the first few that come to mind are LeBron and MJ. No matter what they do, they are just simply better than everyone else. (With the obvious exception of MJ's failed baseball career. The Birmingham Barons. Really? ) Which brings us to our main point. In our 21st century hi-tech, iPhone world, how do those skills translate to video games? How do you make a player be as unstoppable in a game as they are out on the battlefield? Lucky for all of you, we don't have the chops to cut it in the big leagues, but we have been ballin' since the 16-bit era, and over the years we have encountered a few of these juggernauts. We have been through Bo Jackson in Techmo, to Mike Vick's pre-dog killing days in Madden '04. We've been part of a group of drunken freshman playing NFL Blitz on the N64 in a cramped dorm room trying to decide who has to shave their head with a bic razor. (True story) The world of sports video games spans every generation and even brings cultures together. Heck, with the help of XBOX Live we can make nearly any 12 year old Russian kid cry from the comfort of our own living-room. So without further ado we offer to you a brief tour around the Sports Video Game Universe.

As children, we never really received the "proper" amount of adult supervision. We relied more on the TV and whichever game system we could afford back then. We may not be able to recite the Pledge of Allegiance, but damn it we can name every playable duo available in the Original NBA Jam. NBA Jam changed everything in the video game world. It allowed you to take a two-man crew from your favorite team into a cutting edge virtual world; a world in which you could jump 50 feet in the air, push people to the ground without getting a foul and literally catch on fire. No game consumed more of our young childhood than the Jam and no game outside of red rover caused more of our broken bones. What ten-year-old kid didn't almost kill themselves by jumping off a ladder towards a Nerf hoop while flipping in the air??? Anyone? Anyone? Because our hospital floor was full of other kids in full body casts when we broke ourselves trying to Boomshakalaka. We're pretty sure sure NBA Jam crippled more kids than the lead based paint on cheap toys from China... Too soon? Not soon enough! We will forever thank NBA Jam for its equal opportunity dunking skills, allowing the likes of John Stockton and Detlef Schrempf to get equally high as the preeminent skywalkers of the early 90's like Shawn Kemp and Dominique. And we will always worship the Jam for giving us the on fire rule which, in any sport, gives an individual some kind of reward for sinking three consecutive shots. From beer pong to Jai Lai, Jam's power is felt worldwide.

With the exception of "The Jam", there are only two other relevant sports related video games that come to mind. The first is a game that has not only stood the test of time but one that has actually affected the way its sport is played. We are of course talking about the granddaddy of them all, John Madden Football. There have been many heated arguments settled on the Madden gridiron, especially between these two angry fellows. Without this release valve for our aggression we are certain that we would have hit sticked ourselves into oblivion in real life. This is a video game franchise that over the years has faced many hurdles, from licensing agreements to a rumored cover curse but has always remained on top. It continues to push the edge in realistic graphics in a video game, so much so that we can see a time in the not so distant future where our smell-o-visions will be able to pick up the stinky sweat smell of some 300 plus pound offensive lineman's jockstraps. A great feature of Madden is the franchise mode where you are given the reigns of your favorite team and allowed to build it into a Super Bowl producing machine. Many fans of terrible teams have played their pain away by turning their shitty squads into contenders. If we could just import our fantasy 49ers into real life the universe would be a much better place... god we miss the 80's and 90's! (Steve Young will you marry us? It's San Francisco for God’s sake.) Madden's cover boys, cursed as they are, are always given a special place in that year's version of the game. When Michael Vick graced the cover of the 2004 edition, he was able to run faster than the time it takes for Panda Express to run through your body. He was like Elliot Ness, an Untouchable a god among mere mortals. There was an unspoken rule between all Madden users that nobody could play as the Falcons. He was so unfair to play with that he was banned from regular competition. It was like bringing a machine gun to a knife fight, just not fair. Of course the stardom that comes with being on the cover does not always work out for the featured athlete. Many athletes follow it up by either sucking hard the next season or having their body explode. How do you explain a former MVP (Shaun Alexander) going from 27 TD's to 7 in a year? Curse! Or a massive freak of a QB coming off 3 massive knee surgeries a few years after being the cover stud? Curse! For God's sake, within a season of being on the cover both of them were jockeying for position at the unemployment office rather than drinking Crystal on Diddy's yacht during Super Bowl week! It's gotten to the point where so many players have refused to be on the cover of Madden that they opened it up to the public in a contest sponsored by Doritos. So keep your eyes peeled for this year's version with America's pretty boy Tony Romo on the cover. (We’re just kidding. We all know Dallas fans aren't smart enough to figure out how to vote.)

Our love for Madden goes hand in hand with another great game. We are of course talking about the 64-bit smack fest known as NFL Blitz. There are many reasons this game is no longer in existence, first off the fact that the NFL won't let them make it anymore so there is that. But mostly, it knew it's limits and never reached beyond them. This wasn't a lifelike simulation; this was a shit talker's paradise. A game in which you could late hit your opponents and crush their bodies and souls in one fluid butt smash. The final score usually ended up looking like an NBA game from the 80's instead of a standard NFL game but that's why we loved it. As well it was a perfect drinking game, allowing you to chug beer after beer as the turnovers racked up and touchdown drives took 30 seconds. God bless you Blitz and God bless you college; we miss you both.

Sports video games are a way of life and have changed us for the better by giving us a virtual first person perspective of a pro athlete's life on the hardwood and the gridiron. For every guy and girl out there who has not experienced the greatness of sports video games, shame on you! Don't be afraid of the sticks! Go out, grab a copy of madden and devote about 2 weeks of you life to getting your skills up to par. Trust us it will change your life, just make sure you have plenty of practice under belt if you want to challenge either of these sports giants to a virtual duel. Yamabethur!