What in the hell did we do with our lives before fantasy sports? Did we all actually sit in the stands during ball games and fill out those dorky little score cards? Nowadays, you can't turn your head and cough without getting an update on which Yankees outfielder tripped on to Jeter's nuts this time. We have hundreds on websites devoted to nothing but crunching fantasy numbers and compiling multiple draft kits. ( Which later turn out to be entirely useless.) We draft players we hate with a passion and then find ourselves rooting them on because we are trailing uncle steve by 3 points in the standings. We have draft parties and pre-draft discussions. The only difference between us and any of the real GM's out there is that most the time our picks actually pay off and our teams make playoffs. Which brings us to one very obvious question, why in the hell haven't we been given a chance to GM a pro-sports team? Could we really do worse then Matt Millen or Bob Whitset? We plan to answer that question and many others. So sit down and strap in, because this ride could get hairier then Cousin It.
Every sports fan has believed, at some time or another, that they could run their team better than the guys in charge. Get past the $5000 suits and the piles of coke and hookers and these front office guys really aren't any different than you or us, except David Kahn who surprisingly looks a lot like this guy we knew who hung out in an alley and drank Elmer's Glue cocktails. What do these under qualified jackholes have on us? Nothing, that's what. But we had no way of showing that we could do any better than them before the creation of fantasy sports. What this beautiful fruit of the internet tree gave us was a way to speak back to those who consistently fucked up our teams. We could now say, "Look at me Matt Millen! My team went undefeated when yours went winless! Listen to me and stop drafting MOTHERFUCKING Wide Recievers!!!!!" It gave us credability not only around the big whigs but our boys as well. A championship in a dynasty league is really bragging rights for a year... and no one wants to be on the recieving end of a Fantasy Champion's gloat... If we Americans know one thing, it's how to gloat at an Olympic level.
The wide world of fantasy sports has existed for many years now. For example, in 1960, Harvard University sociologist William Gamson started the "Baseball Seminar" where colleagues would form rosters that earned points on the players' final standings in batting average, RBI, ERA and wins. Just knowing that old men a half century ago were drafting their favorite players makes us want to put on some black wool socks and sip on a glass of warm milk for our next draft party. It is clear that for decades we have searched for ways to improve how sports are enjoyed. Be it having super bowl parties, or buying sports related video games, we are always looking for a way to get closer to the action without actually having to get slammed to the turf by the likes of Ray Lewis or Shawn "Am I gonna have to choke a bitch" Merriman. Now we have more choices for fantasy outlets then Paris Hilton has sex partners. Wether it's ESPN, Yahoo, CBS, or whichever other service you use, the worlds of sport and fandom have never been closer. We hold the future of sports in our hands and we best not start fucking up now. Just like week the NBA announced that for the first time ever, fans will be responsible for one of the 125 total MVP votes. Think about it people, thats one step closer to being a part of the Big Show.
Fantasy sports has made average fans obsessed with stats in a way that has never been seen before. Hardcore statistics nerds are now being thought of as the new jocks; seriously, John Hollinger is probably days away from getting his own jersey from David Stern. What this stat revolution means is that fans now know their sports so much better than they did, say even 20 years ago, when baseball was pretty much the only stat focused sport in America. The knoweldge gap between us and the guys in charge has narrowed so much that fans generally have the same info as GMs and can useually make better decisions (because, again, all GM's are just Tony Montainia style coked up all the time). Fans of terrible teams need to speak up loud and proud against their organizations and let them know that, ya, if we could be GM for a day we probably WOULD be better than you. With only one day to work there wouldn't be time to sit around and schmooze; you'd be running your ass off like the grandma on speed from There's Something About Mary and getting things done. Trades would happen, execs would be fired and there would be free chalupas everytime the team made 25 points. Sports, like politics, would work a lot better if people only had a short time on the job and that's why we're proposing that GM positions be held by a group of 52 knoweldgable fans; one for each week of the year. Each year all of the weeks would be rated and the bottom 17 would be dropped, the next 34 would stay on and the best week in terms of help to the franchise would be given free season tix for the next year. These fans would love their team and work in it's best interest but would also work their asses off because they only have one week to get it done. For teams like the Clippers, the Niners, the Knicks, the Blue Jays, the Browns, the Marlins, etc... this system could work. For teams like the Grizzlies and the Blue Jays, well finding 52 fans who want to serve as GM could be the hardest part of the job. Folks, this is what fantasy sports has been training us for, it is our destiny. Hopefully we Angry Guys can win the lottery and bribe all of the major sport comissioners with it to make this happen. Only then will we finally be at peace.
Yamabethur, and good night.
Are any of you people actually real? We speak english in this country.
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