Issue #4: September 2003: The greatness of College Football

Let's start off with this. We had one story all ready for your reading pleasure, but then something happened. The man got a hold of it and shut it down. So down, it looked like up to us. But folks, the man can't keep us down. We're here for you and we're never going away. That said, we're back, and this time, we're 2 Angry 2 Furious. Let's do this thing.

College has best been described in a single word, chanted over and over again. Toga... Toga. We have had it up to here with all of these rules, rankings and all other nonsensical officiating tools. For those of you who can't see us, we're drenched in anger. Let the players play the game, let people learn about the truly great teams in college football. We want to show you Grambling State. We want to show you Miami of Ohio. We want to show you the Buffalo University Bulls. It is our duty to show you the essence, NAY, the spirit that is college pigskin.

We got to tell ya about somethin' we hate. The BCS. Never in history has there been such hatred towards three little letters. BCS, or as we here like to call it, the Bull Crud System, has no place in such a beautiful sport as college football. If pure evil were to manifest itself into a college football system, it would have nothing on the BCS. It's like a group of three year olds got together, played with some blocks, spit up some strained peas, created the BCS, and then took a nap with their juice boxes. That's right, we went there; juice boxes. Sweet jiminey Christmas, we're bringin' in the funk.

We have something even fresher on our mind to go off about. I'm sure we have seen it at the big games. It's a little disease only seen in football. We call it Quarterbackius Slidius Wussieus. We don't watch football to see some huge quarterback tuck the ball away as if he is some pro-bowl running back, run half a yard, realize that football is a contact sport, and that the 350 pound defensive end coming right at him isn't interested in having a tea party. At least not till after the game.

In this grand state of ours , we have many a college football squad. We realize that there are many fans in this state. In order to write objectively, we have changed the names of some items. That said let's start on Boregon State. Home of the Bbeavers. There are many talented players there; however QB Derrick Anderson is most definitely not one of them. We have to say if he throws the ball any more, there will be a new record for most losses in a season. If negative points could be scored, Anderson would be the one to do it.

or Perhaps you are one of the other teams fans, you may know them as the Boregon Bducks. Who would you say are the Boregon Bducks? If you can't crack our genius, don't fret, not many can. But if we are on the subject of awful play, then the Bducks duel quarterback "threat" of Jason Fife and Kellen Clemens have the art of suckitute down to an exact science. Coach Mike Belioti has decided to change the entire face of college football and eliminate the role of starter. You get on the field not through talent, but because your name was drawn out of a hat.

We have another university in this state, but is there really any need for us to rag on the Bportland State Bvikings? We are angry but not that cruel.

Who does Maurice Clarret think he is? Honestly, the kid has talent, but he's lacking a brain. Let's be honest; most good football players go to school as the next stop in their career. Clarret however, forgot that when you go to college, you have to go to class. But folks, perhaps a major in Canadian history was a little to much for him. Hopefully he picked up a lil' somethin' somethin' seeing as he has a bright future playing for the Edmonton Eskimos. Maurice has gotta learn how to defend the Igloo. But just in case the CFL isn't a good fit, Clarret could always sell his National Championship ring and his "borrowed" SUV.

Football is, hands down, the best sport on any level, and even more so at the college level. Many careers have been made or broken on the college gridiron, upsets have amazed us, blowouts have annoyed us; the one thing that can not be denied any longer is the fact that the triple option is the greatest play in any sport. Period. However, the truly greatest thing about college football is, of course...fat, inebriated, painted fans with their shirts off. Ahh, inebriated. Long live the glory.