Dear God,
Why do you hate Greg Oden so much? Why did you have to give him the freakish athletisicm of a once in a decade player, the body of a man that can do nothing else but play basketball, the lovable charm of a teddy bear that talks and the glass bones of that guy Samuel L. Jackson played in Unbreakable? What has Greg done to you in a past life that caused you to give him the gifts of a prodigy and the heart of a lion? Yet just when he begins to figure it out and puts his wobbly parts together, you snatch it away from him like that angry kid in elementary school never invited to anyone's birthday party. ( Think Cartman in Casa Bonita episode.) Seriously, come on! The only other profession he showed any interest in was dentistry and you made his hands too big to fit into anyones mouth but Seabiscuit! So he endures never knowing the joy of performing a root canal and turns to basketball. You give him the face of an 80 year old man with forehead wrinkles big enough to hide Charlie Weis and his $30 million buyout, so he develops a charm which makes him as lovable and cuddly as Snuggles the Downy bear. You break his dominant hand in college and he makes lemonade out of dog shit; he shoots better than 70% at the free throw line WITH HIS LEFT HAND! He comes into the league as the #1overall pick, the final piece of the Trail Blazers' effort to rebuild a franchise that looked like scortched earth after the Jail Blazer era and with a work ethic that cannot be taught. He wants to win 15 rings, dreams of being the greatest center ever and what happens? Two season ending knee injuries, bone spurs in the "healthy" knee and a broken foot that cause him to miss, as of today, 165 of the 246 games he could possibly have played in. And do you know what he said about his latest injury? "It's in God's hands now."... Of all the thing you have put him through and he still trusts you to take care of him? WTF!?!?! Doesn't he realize yet that humanity's purpose in life has been to reach the point where he was born so that you could inflict your omnipresent wrath on him for your divine ultimate joke? Because he can't say it we, the Angry Guys, will and we're sure we speak for all Blazer fans in doing so when we say GO FUCK YOURSELF GOD!
Leave this beautiful (subjectivly speaking of course) creature alone and move on to other cosmically funny events taking place in the universe like Tiger Woods getting whipped by his 95 pound Swedish wife or the NHL (Just let it die already Canada, with global warming on the rise you won't even have ice to play it on in 20 years). Seriously, the joke is played out. Leave Greg Oden alone.
Sincerely, your two biggest fans,
The Angry Guys
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