On Friday, November 27th 2009, we, the American people, faced a tragedy the likes of which we had never seen before. We lost a champion, an icon, a statuesque god among mere mortal boys. At 2:25 AM the Tiger Woods we all knew and loved died. It was not the death we had all envisioned for him. It was not him reaching out for God's hand as he ascended towards heaven like in Michelangelo’s "The Creation Of Adam". Instead it was an unexpected car crash that ended up sending him to the great beyond. RIP Tiger, for the man we once thought as great, the man we loved, is gone forever. In an age where colorful young men rule the front pages and award show ceremonies, Tiger Woods stood tall as the one true champion. Always with grace and dignity, Tiger represented all that was good. The ever present family man, with his picture perfect clan of baby Tigers; they could do no wrong. Since his formative young days putting against Bob Hope in a live television event on the Mike Douglas Show in 1978, to the four consecutive Junior World Golf Championships he won from '88-'91 he had always given the public what they wanted; a White Knight. ( No pun intended. ) White America had finally found a young black athlete it could believe in. For god's sake his nickname at Stanford was Urkel. Urkel! And that's nerdy white people calling him that!
Tiger's golf skill gave him the opportunity to fundamentally change that plaid pant wearing, country club loving, last bastion for race and gender discrimination we like to call golf forever by being the uppity black kid they couldn't ignore. Imagine this: instead of being raised by his father Tiger is raised by Spike Lee; instead of ranting and raving on the course when he misses a shot he channels that rage towards the Man in the form of racially charged post game interviews. He only wears African clothes on the course, converts to Islam, changes his name to Tiger Ali Hussein and burns every Green jacket he receives, live on TV, giving the Masters committee a collective heart attack every year. Why would he do such a thing? Because until 1975, no African American had ever played on Augusta national's course and even then it took them another 15 years to get their first Black member (admitted only because the PGA was banning clubs who didn't have one Minority or woman as a member). But, of course, Tiger was not raised by Spike "White people exist only to play evil landlords or racist pizza joint owners in my movies" Lee and became every white golf fan's dream; a Black superstar that worked with the establishment to bring golf to new heights. Hell before Tiger joined the tour, I bet you any general sports fan couldn't even name 5 other golfers on tour. Now we have an entire Wikipedia page dedicated to his caddie. Steve Williams should wake up with Tigers balls in his mouth every morning ready to give them a real nice shine. If he doesn't, then he damn sure isn't doing his job right. For gods sake, the caddy prior to him taking the position was nicknamed Mike "Fluff" Cowan and as we now know, Tiger needs a lot of Fluffing....
The Tiger we all came to know and love was first introduced to us in August, 1996. With a "Hello World", and signed endorsement deals worth $40 million from Nike, Inc. and $20 million from Titleist Young Eldrick never looked back. Since that fateful summer day, he has produced 14 Major Championships, 91 Professional wins, 2 picture perfect children, and a butt load of other stats to make white America fall in love with him. He played a white mans game, in a white mans world as a black man. Even in our current PC culture that’s asking for issues... And it was all good too, until Tiger went out and pulled a Kobe
To Pull a Kobe: Definition: 1. To create an image that centers around your wholesomeness and family first mentality only to go and fuck that all up by cheating on your wife and/or raping someone. Originally called the 'Reuban Patterson Two Step", the act was renamed for Kobe because of his epic sleaziness in dealing with the allegations. To pull a proper Kobe, one must attempt to reconcile with your wife by giving her outlandish things, such as Kobe did with a $7 million diamond the size of a Ring Pop. 2. Lesser used definition: Any action that causes you to lick your lips repeatedly in an annoying way i.e. "Hey Randy, stop pulling a Kobe and use a fucking napkin to get that BBQ sauce off your face."
Yes, Tiger most definitely pulled a Kobe and has now set the bar to new and unseen heights. Not only did he cheat on his wife with more girls (6... no 7... no wait, now it's 8... oh shit wait they just found a set of Siamese twins he banged so that's 10?) but he also went out of his mind with a 75 MILLION dollar contract just to keep his wife from leaving his ass. 75 million... Wow Tiger, you done fucked up real bad. And here's the worst part, the American public is just beginning to get their greasy little hands on you and your personal life and they are not happy. Rick Reilly, too old to have any pop culture references that make sense except to people who watch "Men of a Certain Age" but certainly someone who has his fingers on the pulse of angry, White America says it best, "His image, his likeability, his hero factor were in the clouds. He was the kid with the 10,000-watt smile from the public golf course -- he brought golf to people of color all over the world. He was the great black hope of the game who made good. A golfer? With two young kids at home? Alleged to have had affairs with numerous women? The best swinger becoming the biggest swinger? Overnight? Unthinkable!" Beautifully stated Ricky. Tiger went from the billionaire nobody knew to pure tabloid gold faster than you could say Jon Gosslein. And, of course, like all these stories, the trail of indecent bread crumbs leads back to the city of sin, Las Vegas. Has anything of good moral value and wholesomeness ever come from the city of Las Vegas? Keep thinking...... Didn't come up with anything? Good, cause neither could we. It doesn't matter if you are Tiger Woods or Adam "Pacman" Jones, if you are a big time playboy enjoying a weekend in Vegas and making it rain, you better hope nobody around you has a camera phone and a Twitter account.
The real question that begs asking, is after all of this does Tiger even care? Sure he has come out and given us a heartfelt apology, and asked to be left alone while his family heals. But does this really hurt his standing in the public eye? While we all ponder that question, consider this Tiger and his wife own a luxurious 155-ft yacht called “Privacy” that is based in Florida. The $20 million, 6,500 sq ft vessel features a master suite, six staterooms, theatre, gym, Jacuzzi and sleeps 21 people. You really think she's leaving?
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