Today we gather to preach to you about a great place: A hard place, A place of battle and A place of sacrifice. Somewhere few want to be yet everyone ends up. We are of course talking simply about The Bench. In recent weeks there have been many headlines about certain players being too good for the bench. Too high and mighty to be a role player and pass on the great knowledge you have been entrusted with. Perhaps you're doing a little to much of the high and not enough of the mighty Mr. Iverson. I mean are we really talkin' bout' practice? (Sorry, we couldn't resist.) For being a place that no one wants to be the bench gets talked about nearly as much as that media-whore Jon Gosselin. Well we have had enough of this shit! As sworn protectors of the sacred rest area known as the Bench, we are here to clear its name and burn the ungrateful mothertruckers who dare defame its glory. Pop quiz hot shot, do you shut your face and get paid 3 million dollars to play a game, or do you open your mouth and constantly run it until not even the New Jersey Nets want to sign you? THEY JUST SET A RECORD FOR LOSING!!! We're here, we're angry, and come get some. Yamabethur!
Now you can't have a real discussion about the bench without learning some of its rich history. So we decided to dive right in and fix a common misconception. When one talks about a player who spends most of his time on the bench, it is usually referred to as "riding the pine." Well that ain't pine those sweaty asses are perched on, that's pure redwood from the very rainforest featured in the hit Disney movie Ferngully. We spoke to one of the lumberjacks who harvest the wood for these majestic caboose catchers, and he told us that redwood is used because of its incredible wicking ability. You see, if pine was actually used the sweat from a single game of basketball would warp the bench so much it would start to look like Al Davis' face. Lumberjack McFarland also told us that if he ever sees any of the players badmouthing his majestic creation that he would serve them a "flapjack surprise." Just after he said that he began jumping up and down, licking his lips and unbuttoning his overalls. We got a feeling that the surprise in a "flapjack surprise" is much too similar to a cockmeat sandwich for our pleasure. I think we'll pass on that breakfast.
After that awkward moment, let's just jump right into it. Let us speak of those few mighty defenders of the Royal Redwood; The unique player who realizes that winning is the most important aspect of the game. Forget leading the league in scoring, or setting a single game record, without a solid bench and supporting cast you have nothing. It's tried and true in every sport. Whether you're talking about the 46 year old place kicker, the ol' lefty out in the pen ready to pitch his 2/3 of an inning or the most famous reindeer of all... Sorry, all together wrong, we just cant help but making spirits bright. What we are trying to talk about is the most famous bench player of any sport in the last 20 years. If your team has ever had a crucial game or big playoff series, you already know the man. We are of course talking about Robert "Big Shot Rob" Horry. (Collective shiver runs down our spines) No man has ever embraced the spirit of the bench more than " I play for two minutes and make fatty stacks by winning championships" Bobert Horry. This is a man, nay, a great man, nay, an indescribable wolverine like gust of wind that collects more gold rings than Sonic the Hedgehog after he has defeated Dr. Egghead. This is a man who dunked the Spurs to a ring, shot the lights out of the Staples Center whilst simultaneously destroying the career of Chris Webber ...wait, he did that himself by marrying Tyra Banks. Anyway, this silky smooth gentleman was as close to a closer in basketball as there will ever be. Putting that man in the fourth was the basketball equivalent of pressing the easy button; give him five minutes and he'll win you playoff games. As far as his first two championships go, however, we cannot give him credit. Any rings earned while riding the coattails of the Glide are undeserved just like Tony Parker being married to Eva Longoria. THIS IS AMERICA!!!!
Americans do not quit. George " I cannot tell a lie" Washington once said, on his death bed, while surrounded by Benjamin Franklin, Abraham Lincoln, the guy who played Huggybear from Starsky and Hutch, not Huggybear, but the actor who played him (oh wait isn't that the father of Justin Fargas?) and the lovely lovely Martha Washington, that the greatest injury an American could inflict on his nation was to shirk his job duties. With all that said, we channel our full fury and answer in the form of a question; who is Allen Iverson and what the f@*k is he thinking? Who turns down 3 million dollars to do nothing, cries about doing that nothing and getting paid, and then quits only to do nothing and not get paid? When your retirement is shorter than a thousand pound fat man's Hover-Round battery life can you really call it retirement? Seriously dude that shit wasn't designed for you! For the love of god and Ray J, please just shut your cornrowed pie hole, and start doing what won you the 2003 MVP Trophy. Just suck it up, come off the bench and start jacking up shots like Chris Brown to Rihanna's face. Too soon? Too bad, we think it's not soon enough. Please Allen, do not resort to starting for the Dakota Stampede in the D-League; we cannot afford another Jersey.
With that we have done our sworn duty to defend the honor of the bench. We do not ask for your praise, we do not ask for your pity. We demand your respect. For every small Tanzanian baby reading this, enjoy the XXL Iverson jersey and live long and prosper.
two posts in less than two weeks!!!
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