Fantasy Football Porn

When picking one’s fantasy football team, so many elements are important. Drafting players with hilarious and pop culture related names or to the game within the game of drafting the right kicker. Of course, the most important element is drafting the player that your seven year old daughter could win with. We’ve compiled, for your reading pleasure, the greatest list of six players that will help you win any fantasy football league.




1. Aaron Rodgers: No one had high hopes for the boy destined to replace the wrangler wearing, moonshine swillin good ole boy from Mississippi who made the cheddar cheese state melt like it was on top of a plate of nachos. He slipped so far in the 2005 draft that Roger Goodell “slipped” him into a backroom to avoid awkward camera shots. But Aaron Rodgers has now accomplished the impossible and banished Brett Favre from the collective memory of the franchise that Bart Starr built by winning a super bowl and putting up some gaudy stats. How gaudy? He threw for 4,643 yards on 343 completions, with a record setting single season passer rating of 122.5 and 45 touchdowns to SIX interceptions. That’s fantasy football porn right there ladies and gentlemen. Pure and simple. This guy’s a lock. He might not look like much, but he’s going to do exactly what you need. He’s a 2002 Volvo station wagon: dependable, solid, but never confused for flashy.



2. Tom Brady: Like the protagonist of some 1950’s sports paperback, Tom Brady has it all. Two Super bowl rings, stats galore, and a gorgeous wife. Oh, he’s also the essence of beauty in the male form (no homo). He’s been doing it for so long, that it seems almost unnatural. Brady has the uncanny ability to get the ball to anyone on the field with a Patriots jersey. You could put literally anyone in that jersey. Your mom + patriots jersey = pro bowl mama. You can ask Dion Branch about that one (We think he came back this year). Look at Brady’s completion percentages from the last five years: 68.9%, 63.6%, 65.7%, 65.9%, 65.6%. It’s like LL Cool J once said, “don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years.” Brady is like an episode of Seinfeld, always good.

3. Ray Rice: We don’t watch enough Ravens games (we really hate Joe Flacco and, really, all of Delaware) to know why we’re picking Ray Rice this high, but we’ve seen the Wire. What the Wire has taught us is that you don’t fuck with Baltimore, so draft Ray Rice with your first pick. . . Please. . . Is that enough Mr. Lewis? Can move on now?

4. Arian Foster: This man openly talks about how he dislikes fantasy football (read ESPN the Magazine to find out more. . . [SHAMELESS PLUG]). He’s the guy you kind of know about, know where he plays, and know he’s kind of good. We’re here to tell you to draft him. He puts up crazy numbers, rushing and receiving. He’ll score you more points than Carmelo Anthony in a five point Knicks’ loss. Not drafting him would be like letting Han shoot first. Don’t make that mistake.

5. Calvin Johnson: A little back-story is required. Matt Millen, while still the Lion’s GM, dreamed he would draft the most dynamic wide receiver ever to grace the NFL. Unfortunately for Matt, it took him four tries (and his job) to fulfill that prophetic vision by drafting Calvin Johnson. 6’ 5” with Usain Bolt speed and hands made out of glue, Megatron is a must have on your fantasy team. Having experienced him play for and against us in previous leagues, trust us; you want him on your squad. He is literally head and shoulders above everyone else at his position; it’s like watching Danny Devito and Arnold Schwarzenegger in the 80’s classic “Twins.” Draft him and cackle like a 19th century railroad baron.

SLEEPER: Since we’re both massive Oregon Duck fans, our sleeper is LaMichael James. What’s that? San Francisco has four running backs? Look, let’s get one thing clear. Every sleeper pick is pure crap. Everyone has a sleeper. EVERYONE. And everyone isn’t an NFL scout, coach, or GM. Just admit you’re picking sleepers because a guy went to your school or looked good for the five minutes you watched the Chiefs/Raiders game during week 7. A sleeper pick doesn’t have to make sense because if it did, it wouldn’t be a sleeper.

Easter Miracle

We would just like to wish everyone a happy Easter, and also to celebrate the miracle that is Brandon Roy. Oh fuck Dirk No-win-ski in his German face. New articles to come soon!

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Marijunana in the NBA. A weed run rampant.

With the aftermath of "The Decision" and South Beach fever catching all over, well, just South Beach, a story got pushed to the wayside that we're sure you NBA nuts out there took notice to. That of course was the fire sale of the former collegiate superstar Michael Beasley. It was inevitable that he would have to leave to make the salary cap space available for Miami's big three and because of the obvious need to get rid of him it was pretty assured that the team receiving him would get him on the cheap. However, when you look deeper into the trade which sent two of Minnesota's second round picks to Miami you realize that Minnesota overpaid. Badly. Replace Minnesota with the kid who auctions off his ham and cheese sandwich in the Hillshire Farms commercial and and he gets a worse deal going with Beasley than with the pony. Imagine yourself giving a schizophrenic bum in New York five dollars to buy the Brooklyn Bridge and you've made a better deal than David Kahn's Timberwolves. Why, you might ask, would getting nothing be better than getting Michael Beasley? Because he's worth less than nothing for any NBA franchise. Four little letters make this case all too apparent. Four little letters that put together mean a lack of motivation, desire and a guaranteed ten extra pounds of munchy weight. Yes folks, we're talking about W-E-E-D. Our boy Beasley has a serious ganja craving and he's got the history to prove it. Caught at the rookie symposium, the very place where the association teaches young athletes about the perils of drug use for your career, MB was smoking the kind bud in his hotel room. Fast forward a year and he's in drug rehab (not for weed but for South Beach's number three export after botox and tanned asses, cocaine). Fast forward another year and he's saying shit like this AFTER he's traded, "Do I think the Wolves took a gamble on me? Definitely," and "People don't know that I'm actually a good guy," Beasley said with a smile. "I actually love kids and dogs and long walks in the park." David Kahn insists Beasley's done smoking but as we all know, that's a hard friend to turn away from.

Take our good ol' pal Damon Stoudamire for example. Now over the years we have made many jokes on his behalf, but lets be serious for a moment, smoking marijuana can ruin your life. Can you imagine being paid millions of dollars to play a game? Thousands of people chanting your name and wearing your products? Little kids wanting to be just like you? Wow, sounds like a hell on earth to us. How is a person, let alone a professional athlete supposed to get away from that type of terror? Calling up your old girlfriend Mary Jane Watson and blazing over in your big yellow Hummer. As you all know, its not just Damon though. This is a weed running up the short leg of a short Jewish man and trying to destroy everything he stands for. This is not a piece to be taken lightly this will be a hard hitting expose on this devil lettuce and its wildest moments in the NBA.

Lets get the The Jailblazer era of the NBA out of the way first because it's so close to our hearts. No player or team exemplifies the problem of the high life like the Blazers did a few years back. If Marv Albert were going to do a Wild Jokes and Bloopers-Weed Related, it might as well just have been the '03-'04 highlight reel. Passing is one of the key fundamentals in basketball, it just seemed like most of the Blazers forgot that it doesn't include the puff, puff part. Whether it was Damon's tinfoil surprise, or Z-Bo's weed related DUI at 5:30 in the morning after a children's charity event we were all the belles of the ganja ball. But the trailblazer fun with weed doesn't stop there. Darius Miles, more famous for banging Scar Jo on the set of "The Perfect Score" than anything he did on the basketball court, started burning the midnight green dragon after the Rose Garden's knee monster jumped out of his cave and ate his knee. Apparently the weed didn't do anything to help the healing process as Darius spent most of the rest of his career sitting on the bench and becoming a tool in the Memphis Grizzlies plan to decimate the Trailblazer's cap space. Other famous blazers who were caught (we know we're better than this but... whatever) "blazing" are Qyntel Woods (caught smoking during a stint with the Greek basketball team Olympiacos but is more famous for this incident: Woods was cited in March of 2004 when he was stopped for speeding and an officer smelled marijuana wafting from his Cadillac. Woods reportedly offered only his basketball trading card and two credit cards as identification, leading to charges of driving while uninsured and operating a motor vehicle without a driver's license), J.R. Rider (caught smoking weed while a blazer, probably wasn't in a high state of mind when he also spit on a heckling fan), Shawn Kemp (arrested with a friend when a police officer found more than two ounces of weed and some coke in his truck) and Bill Walton (If you've seen pictures of young Bill Walton you KNOW that guy was constantly smoking the chiba). It's not that surprising that Portland is the largest market for both visine and funyuns in North America.

For those of you reading this outside the Portland, Oregon area let's get one thing clear; weed use is not limited to the Rose City. The current champion of marijuana usage in the Association isn't even a player.It's a former masoct for God's sake. Thus proving just how out of control this situation really is. Da Bull is identified on the Bulls Web site as the slam-dunking cousin of the team's other mascot, Benny the Bull. Chester Brewer, 31, who has worked as Da Bull since 1996, was arrested in late 2004 after officers found six ounces of marijuana on Brewer and a scale in his trunk. Sounds to us like a new job might have opened up for Dennis Rodman to get back in with the bulls. Come on, that guy loves to wear costumes. Even former NBA Legends viewed as basketball gods get down with Puff and his Magic Dragon. Kareem is higher then Snoop Dogg right now down in LA.

There appears to be no solution to this ever growing epidemic. Charles Oakley said of the NBA, “You got guys out there playing high every night...You got 60 percent of your league on marijuana. What can you do?” Many people have put the percentage of people who smoke in the NBA higher than that. All that we can really recommend is that David Stern invests in a few clinical case studies organized by Dr. Dre with a followup flag football match with Snopp Dogg and Ricky Williams. How do you say Yamabethur? AHHH YES!


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Thank you Jamarcus. Thank you for all the good times.

Now we know many of you are wondering just where the hell we have been the past month or so. We have but one simple response, stop snooping around and buzz off. We are busy boys, who do you think is behind all of this free agency craziness? World Wide Wes? LRMR? Wrong, we have been handling all the negotiations for all the big name free agents. All of them, from Dwayne Wade, to Allen Iverson( Yea, he is coming back baby!). So needless to say, we been full to the brim. So back off. We are back now, and will have a full breakdown of that now that "the self-proclaimed King" has made his decision. However we have something a little more important and troubling on the tip of our tongues. We are of course talking about arguably the best QB the NFL has seen in the past 10 years; JaMarcus Russell. For a man who has only been in the league 3 full years, you have given us a lifetime of joy and memories. In your honor sir, we have put together our best ode to you.

" There once was a boy name JaMarcus, who everyone really like-isd. At the combine he killed and everyone billed, him the number one pick. With hands as big as the sun, and an arm shaped like a gun, he made Terry Bradshaw call him "The One!". Lofty expectations and pie in the sky apple pie dreams you entered our programs as #2, but into our hearts as #1. You were big and strong and could chuck the ball a country mile but that's not the greatest skill to have, considering that a football field is only 100 yards long. With all the talent in the world you went year after year without showing any improvement in your accuracy or work ethic, showing up to training camp once weighing in at over 300 lbs! Did you forget what position you play Jamarcus? Your sucky ways were compounded by the fact that you played for the Raiders, a franchise run by an insane old man whose deal with the devil will keep him alive just long enough to move his franchise to Jamaica (if all you're drafting are fast guys with no football talent why not move closer to the best sprinters in the world?) But a great quarterback will help lead his shitty franchise from the grave much like Drew Brees did for the Saints and Kurt Warner did for the Cardinals. You can't blame everything on your team Jamarcus, some of it has to rest on your pudgy, dough rolled shoulders. Somewhere in the back alley of a South American pharmacy, Ryan Leaf is smiling that he's no longer seen as the worst draft bust ever... or that may be from the bootleg Oxycontin he just railed. Anyway, Jamarcus, even if you can read this through the opiate fog that clouds your mind from drinking too much purple drank you probably don't give a shit. Because only in America can the greatest loser in the history of the NFL draft pocket a guaranteed $31.5 million before he even walks onto a football field. Enjoy living the retired life you sweet prince, we look forward to seeing you cha-cha your way back into our hearts on Dancing with the Stars."

-The Poets who did not know it. Aka- The Angry Guys.

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Retraction: MVP

As we sat down on the couch in front of our wall of hi-def tv's last evening we decided to switch things up. Rather than watch another ho hum game from the Eastern Conference Finals, we put in one of our all time favorite movies. Bill and Teds Excellent Adventure. As we sat there watching the superb half dead acting of Keaunu Reaves, we got to thinking. What if we had a time traveling phoone booth who would we go meet or what would we go change throughout sports history? instead of the steel pipe to the back of Nancy Kerrigans knee could we have hired that guy to instead wait 2 years and do it to Kobe before his rookie season? But those are all tales for another day and another place. Right now we are here to talk about one thing. Nay one person. We have brought you all here today to apologize for a glaring mistake in our last piece. So on this day we offer you our appology and we offer you a retraction to the section about LeBron James and his status of MVP. Be prepared fans, things could get bumpy here; so strap in.

Lebron James could still be one of the best ten players ever to ball on NBA hardwood but his last game proved a jagged truth many of us didn't want to admit; this kid is not the second coming of Michael Jordan. Jordan would never have gone to the bench and pouted when the Celtics cranked up the D to an 11. No, Michael would have pictured KG or Paul Pierce strangling one of his children and then would have distributed some fantasy justice and destroyed them by physically taking it to the rim every play. Lebron just doesn't have that kind of fifth gear. Unlike Kobe or Larry Bird or Jordan, Lebron lacks the ability to channel anger into fuel to push his game to the next level. There's no way any of those three guys would ever had ended a game like Lebron did in game 6. A full one and a half minutes were on the clock and the Cavs decided to just dribble the clock out... A MINUTE AND A HALF!!!! We were sitting there screaming at the TV to get the Cavs to play but they just stood there, thinking of the best fishing spots to hit when the game was over. I'm sure somewhere a TV has a remote stuck inside of it, thrown by a disgusted Jordan at the lack of professionalism. The Cavs just followed the tone set by their superstar who at the end of the game seemed more interested in the ensuing press conference than finishing off the season going down fighting. Obviously he just doesn't get the importance of playing to the very end and it showed. Sadly the best winners never need to learn this lesson because it comes as naturally to them. This series proved that Lebron does not have IT.

" I put a lot of pressure on myself to be out there, try to be great, try to be the best player on the court....long pause....and ughhh when I'm not you know, i feel bad for myself. You know cause I'm not going out there and doin' the things I know I can do. Ummm but I don't hang my head low or make excuses about anything that might be going on."

- LeBron James Post-game interview after the Cavs were handed their biggest loss in post season history.

A do or die game in Cleveland that LeBron knew he had to win and didn't. Now we can only speculate as to what might be the cause of LeBron's historically horrible collapse in the payoffs, but if some guy wasn't fucking his mama, then there aint no reason for him to play ball like he did against the Celtics. Oh wait....... If you really want to be considered amongst the greatest of all-time then you have to play at there level. Play like they did. Not anyone of the Top 5 would have blown that series like that. They might have lost, but they sure as hell would have gone down swinging. No way Jordan goes out looking like a spoiled punk 2 years in a row. Not gonna do it. You think Larry Bird is going down without taking everyone else with him? White Jesus only knows how to bring the heat. So here is the bottom line LeBron, no matter where you you go, no matter how much money you make, no matter how popular you become, you will never be the King until you earn the jewelry.



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2010 NBA Season Awards Ceremony

As each season draws to a close, we must all look back on the year that was and reflect. Which players wowed us, which players made us hate them? Did you see this play or that play? Since there are 82 games played over the course of the season, we decided to save you some time and break it down into eight simple and amazing categories by which to judge an NBA Season. If you disagree with our picks, we would love to get some feedback, but for the most part; STFU because this is our blog and we doin' business.



The Damon Stoudamire great Rookie on a god awful team Award: Tyreke Evans


When picking rookie of the year, what is the correct criteria on which to judge? Do you pick based on the fact that one option looks like a pre-pubescent alien boy? Do you pick based on the fact that one is a Terminator sent back through time to change the game of basketball? Perhaps none of that matters when picking rookie of the year. The real and only quality worth judging a rookie on, is the Gamer factor. Can that poor young boy step up night after night against the toughest men in the game and still leave you open-mouthed wanting more. There are three very real options this year. All have shown moments of brilliance, and all have a right at the crown. However, just like Highlander, there can only be one. He averaged 20-5-5 during his rookie campaign, and became just the fourth NBA player in history to ever average 20-5-5 in his rookie year, joining Oscar Robertson, Michael Jordan and LeBron James. Not really much else needs to be said, when you're in a class like that. Big ups Tyreke, see in you Sacramento next year. Ouch.........

Honerable Mention:

Brandon Jennings- Milwaukie Bucks , Steph Curry- Golden State Warriors



The Larry Bird Memorial Award for White Guy Black People would most want to play with: David Lee



For anyone who hasn't seen "White Men Can't Jump" you get the idea of the movie by reading the title. White guys just can't dunk with the best of them, just can't swat shots like the rest of them. Most of us look like WNBA rejects (for more information on this, read our section on the WNBA) because of our lack of hops and such. However, every blue moon a white guy is born with the skills to pay some moderately big bills and competes like a champ at the highest level. The Larry Birds and John Stocktons of the world stand out so much because they are the rarest gems: white guys with unstoppable basketball skills. These are the guys picked first in inner city leagues not because they're somebody's friend but because, if you don't pick them, they're going to make you look silly all day long. For the past few years, David Lee has been this man in the NBA. Quietly a double double machine, this man put up 20 and 12 this year for the Knicks and is a sneakily athletic player who won the 2001 McDonald's All-America Dunk contest. The man is only the 11th Knick ever to score ten CONSECUTIVE double doubles and became the only Knick next to Patrick Ewing to put up more than 30 points and 20 rebounds in a single game. The icing on the cake? He's one of the only star whities in the league who isn't a primary placesetter for his teammates. Lee averages less than 2 assists per game which means he cares more about taking it to the hole than picking up dimes. While efficient passers are an important part of any team, stars are scorers in this league and David Lee is just that, a star.

Honerable Mention:

Steve Nash and Luke Ridnour



The Dennis Rodman Psychedelic Afro Best Hair Award: Brandon Jennings


Every now and again a player comes along and not only transforms the game of basketball, but catches the entire nation's attention while doing so. Our winner for this pick is a player who does not shy away from attention or scrutiny. He enjoys when others doubt him, and loves to have the weight of the world on his shoulders alone. So when you're 19 years old and afraid of nothing how do you go one step farther and cement yourself in NBA lore? Aside from getting the miserable Bucks into the playoffs? Well, you reach into your bag of tricks and bust out a hair style older than you are. For this we honor you Brandon Jennings, your flat top fade was not only an inspiration to us, but to all of the other young boys and girls who want to look like they just stepped into or out of a Hot Tub Time Machine. For this we give you the Funky Cold Medina award for best hair.

Honerable Mention:

Robin Lopez-Jerricurl fro, Ron Artest- Wacky lines/colors/shapes



Most Valuable Player: LeBron James


What can we really say here that hasn't already been said about 50 millions times. "LeBron is the Shit", "Oh my god, LeBron just saved a baby from being trampled." " LeBron your penis is huge" Sorry for the last one, we just assume that's the case. The guy has so much damn Swagger, he has to have Jay-Z brush the dirt off for him. Seriously though, what can we say. LeBron James is a freak of nature and we are loving every single minute of it. We may have missed Jordan in his prime, or been too young to appreciate it, but we plan to soak up every last drop of goodness that LeBron gives us. Like a sponge. Like Spongebob Squarepants actually. We may never see another athlete quite like LeBron. He is build like a middle linebacker, with the quickness of a Leopard. He understand the game better then arguably any player past or present ever has. He makes old vets look like rooks, and he makes rooks look like infant girls. If he keeps this shit up, we might just have to reconsider the Greatest of All-Time title. Until then rest easy Bobby Hurley your title is safe. For now......

Honerable Mention:

Kevin Durant, maybe. This one wasn't close at all.



The Adam Morrison I play like a girl and should be sent down to the WNBA Award: Adam Morrison


Most NBA teams don't sell out their arenas but they still, on average, draw almost 17,000 people a night to watch their games. Playing in those same arenas the WNBA can't average even half of that number, pulling in an average of 8,000 fans a night. Many explanations exist for why the WNBA has never taken off: they don't play good dates and times because of scheduling conflicts with the NBA or the average male sports fan can't appreciate a game played by women or they lack the media buzz surrounding the NBA because no one will give them a good television contract. All of these explanations avoid the giant elephant in the room which is no one watches the WNBA because it is INCREDIBLY BORING. It lacks the excitement of the male game because their players, through no fault of their own, can't play above the rim and settle way too often for jump shots. This version of basketball almost killed the NBA in the 50's until freakishly athletic and supremely better players (aka black people) were allowed to play and made the game exciting. Every year one NBAer plays with the same lack of athletic skill and the same need to shoot the jumper that is killing the WNBA right now and we celebrate him by recommending he move down to the WNBA. This year two players stood out in ours minds as the most capable of playing in a women's league and not having a significant physical advantage. They were Adam Morrison of the Los Angeles Lakers and JJ Reddick of the Orlando Magic. What surprised us was that these two ladylike players were actually the two top college basketball players in 2005-2006! Goes to show how success in college really doesn't translate worth shit into the league. In the end we had to give the award to Morrison who now has less of an effect for his team than Jack Nickleson. While JJ plays like a girl at least he still plays. Adam, enjoy the lack of competition and get your ass fitted for a Chicago Sky jersey. We're sure this will be the first year the WNBA has ever heard a "Draft the Stache" chant!

Honorable Mention:

JJ Reddick, Kyle Korver



Holly Shit, did you see that freak of an Injury Award: Andrew Bogut's Elbow


Best is a very subjective term here because, depending on perspective, it can mean some very different things. For a player, the best injury is one that either doesn't happen at all or one that takes very little time to heal. For a fan, the best injury could be a season ender to your rival's superstar. For us, the morbid fans all of things gruesome and unnatural for the human body to do, the best injury is one that redefines nastyness. Maybe it's the punch that rocketed a guy's eye out of the socket like an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon or maybe it's the knee that articulates 180 degrees the WRONG way. Each year a few choice debilitating injuries are offered up to the alter for Man's insatiable bloodlust (aka Youtube) and watched again and again until the stomach can take no more. Some disappear from memory but the best of the best are stored in a part of the mind that is untouched by the corrosive power of time; still vividly fresh even after years of first glimpse. This year Trailblazer fans were given not one but two monumental knee collapses from big men Greg Oden and Joel Pryzbilla which should have locked one of them into winning this fantastically unfortunate award. Unfortunately for Blazer fans who now have enough experience watching men's knees explode that they could probably tell the difference between an ACL strain and a minscus tear by just watching it happen through a TV, neither of those gentlemen won. This year's best injury has to go to Bucks center Andrew Bogut who had quite possibly the worst joint destruction injury since Shaun Livingston. While watching Oden's GOOD knee buckle cut us to our core, it wasn't so much the injury that hurt but the fact that Oden had just come back from another season ending knee surgery the year before. Bogut's injury grabbed our attention for the sheer nastyness of it and that's why it has won the Angry Guys 2009-2010 Best Injury Award.

Honerable Mention:

Greg Oden's knee, Joel Pryzbillia's knee, Chris Bosh's face



The 1st Annual Player most likely to lose it and go Delonte West Award: Ron Artest

This award here is still fresh in our hearts. For those of you unaware of why we would honor one player with an award named for another player still in the League. Let’s break down exactly what Delonte West was arrested for last year via the Washington Post:

West was riding a 3-wheeled motorcycle!
West was carrying 3 firearms!
West cut off a police officer!
West had a Beretta 9mm in his waistband! (Hello Plax!)
West had a Ruger .357 strapped to his leg!
West had a fucking shotgun in a fucking GUITAR CASE slung over his back!
Did we mention the motorcycle had three fucking wheels!?

Now pardon our language, there are a lot of crazy MOFO's in the NBA. Obviously none quite as nutso as Delonte, but in the spirit of all things wacky, we wanted to determine which superstar might be the next to snap and make a Zombie-Apocolypse movie like Mr. West. Sure us selecting Ron Artest isn't much of a stretch as he might actually be crazier than a straw, but you have to admit if it were gonna be anyone, it would be Ron-Ron. Ron Artest has displayed personality traits only seen by the mentally ill or other member of the '04 Indiana Pacers team. During his rookie season in Chicago, he was criticized for applying for a job at Circuit City in order to get an employee discount. He has pissed off coaches, owners, and lord knows how many fellow players. He has calmed down some over the past few seasons, but we still know the real Ron-Ron. This man is so out of his mind that even Charles Manson says: "Damn, that Ninja is Crazy". Growing up in a rough neighborhood Artest claims he witnessed murder on a basketball court. If you want to know just how psycho Ron is, then please listen to this direct quote: "It was so competitive, they broke a leg from a table and they threw it, it went right through his heart and he died right on the court. So I'm accustomed to playing basketball really rough." We the Defense rest.

Honerable Mention:

No other Nominees for this award.



The Lifetime UNachievement Award: Brian Scalabrine


Boston Celtics fans are intensely proud of their teams which probably stems from their storied legacy and generation after generation of winning basketball. It probably also stems from the fact that all Bostonians only have sports to comfort them seeing as all of the good jobs go to rich out-of-towners who go to Harvard and stay in the city. These people, to true Bostonians, are not true real Bostonians because they groom themselves, talk with an accent you can understand and basically have something going for them in life that doesn't revolve around the 4 major Boston sports franchises. This last fact infuriates Bostonians. Unless they have a Good Will Hunting style intellect most Bostonians will live a below average life in a crowded and angry city. Their only real pleasure is watching sports and fantasizing how awesome it would be if they played on one of their favorite teams. Almost always this is the Boston Red Sox but most Bostonians would be equally content to be a Celtic because of their winning legacy and its blatant Irish references (95% of the city is Ginger Irish). Every team has a fan favorite but the Bostonians take it to the next level and designate one bench player as their dreams incarnate who, whenever they play, plays not just for themselves but also for the trampled dreams of the Boston masses. Past players like Bill Walton (crippled but still good) and Tommy Heinsohn (alcoholic chain smoker who also happens to have his number retired in Boston) represented the gutty, win at all costs style scrapper that all good Bostoniers would like to define themselves as. This form of hero worship reached its zenith in 2005 when the Celtics signed Brian Scalabrine. Now, you may be asking yourself why any fan would worship, let alone want, a guy like Scalabrine on your team. This is a very good question. There is no reasonable answer except for the fact that he has orange-red hair like 95% of the city and gets onto the court about as often as any regular Bostonian. When he hits the floor the game is almost always decided by 30+ points and so he represents kind of a Ginger headed singing fat lady for the game. When he plays it's like some lucky Bostonier won a contest and was allowed to play for 1-2 minutes in each blow-out. Factor in that he is statistically the WORST rebounder in the league and has the lowest PER of any player and you understand that he only exists as a professional athlete because of the extremely strong emotional connection Bostoniers have for him. We don't understand it and we won't ask them to change but by keeping such a horrible player on the roster for so long, Bostonians have forced us to give one of their own the 1st annual Lifetime UNachievement award to one Brian Scalabrine. We're sure there will be celebrating in Boston because of this tomorrow night.

Honorable Mentions:

There are none

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How to not suck at Fantasy Sports. A step by step guide to not being Matt Millen.

What in the hell did we do with our lives before fantasy sports? Did we all actually sit in the stands during ball games and fill out those dorky little score cards? Nowadays, you can't turn your head and cough without getting an update on which Yankees outfielder tripped on to Jeter's nuts this time. We have hundreds on websites devoted to nothing but crunching fantasy numbers and compiling multiple draft kits. ( Which later turn out to be entirely useless.) We draft players we hate with a passion and then find ourselves rooting them on because we are trailing uncle steve by 3 points in the standings. We have draft parties and pre-draft discussions. The only difference between us and any of the real GM's out there is that most the time our picks actually pay off and our teams make playoffs. Which brings us to one very obvious question, why in the hell haven't we been given a chance to GM a pro-sports team? Could we really do worse then Matt Millen or Bob Whitset? We plan to answer that question and many others. So sit down and strap in, because this ride could get hairier then Cousin It.

Every sports fan has believed, at some time or another, that they could run their team better than the guys in charge. Get past the $5000 suits and the piles of coke and hookers and these front office guys really aren't any different than you or us, except David Kahn who surprisingly looks a lot like this guy we knew who hung out in an alley and drank Elmer's Glue cocktails. What do these under qualified jackholes have on us? Nothing, that's what. But we had no way of showing that we could do any better than them before the creation of fantasy sports. What this beautiful fruit of the internet tree gave us was a way to speak back to those who consistently fucked up our teams. We could now say, "Look at me Matt Millen! My team went undefeated when yours went winless! Listen to me and stop drafting MOTHERFUCKING Wide Recievers!!!!!" It gave us credability not only around the big whigs but our boys as well. A championship in a dynasty league is really bragging rights for a year... and no one wants to be on the recieving end of a Fantasy Champion's gloat... If we Americans know one thing, it's how to gloat at an Olympic level.

The wide world of fantasy sports has existed for many years now. For example, in 1960, Harvard University sociologist William Gamson started the "Baseball Seminar" where colleagues would form rosters that earned points on the players' final standings in batting average, RBI, ERA and wins. Just knowing that old men a half century ago were drafting their favorite players makes us want to put on some black wool socks and sip on a glass of warm milk for our next draft party. It is clear that for decades we have searched for ways to improve how sports are enjoyed. Be it having super bowl parties, or buying sports related video games, we are always looking for a way to get closer to the action without actually having to get slammed to the turf by the likes of Ray Lewis or Shawn "Am I gonna have to choke a bitch" Merriman. Now we have more choices for fantasy outlets then Paris Hilton has sex partners. Wether it's ESPN, Yahoo, CBS, or whichever other service you use, the worlds of sport and fandom have never been closer. We hold the future of sports in our hands and we best not start fucking up now. Just like week the NBA announced that for the first time ever, fans will be responsible for one of the 125 total MVP votes. Think about it people, thats one step closer to being a part of the Big Show.

Fantasy sports has made average fans obsessed with stats in a way that has never been seen before. Hardcore statistics nerds are now being thought of as the new jocks; seriously, John Hollinger is probably days away from getting his own jersey from David Stern. What this stat revolution means is that fans now know their sports so much better than they did, say even 20 years ago, when baseball was pretty much the only stat focused sport in America. The knoweldge gap between us and the guys in charge has narrowed so much that fans generally have the same info as GMs and can useually make better decisions (because, again, all GM's are just Tony Montainia style coked up all the time). Fans of terrible teams need to speak up loud and proud against their organizations and let them know that, ya, if we could be GM for a day we probably WOULD be better than you. With only one day to work there wouldn't be time to sit around and schmooze; you'd be running your ass off like the grandma on speed from There's Something About Mary and getting things done. Trades would happen, execs would be fired and there would be free chalupas everytime the team made 25 points. Sports, like politics, would work a lot better if people only had a short time on the job and that's why we're proposing that GM positions be held by a group of 52 knoweldgable fans; one for each week of the year. Each year all of the weeks would be rated and the bottom 17 would be dropped, the next 34 would stay on and the best week in terms of help to the franchise would be given free season tix for the next year. These fans would love their team and work in it's best interest but would also work their asses off because they only have one week to get it done. For teams like the Clippers, the Niners, the Knicks, the Blue Jays, the Browns, the Marlins, etc... this system could work. For teams like the Grizzlies and the Blue Jays, well finding 52 fans who want to serve as GM could be the hardest part of the job. Folks, this is what fantasy sports has been training us for, it is our destiny. Hopefully we Angry Guys can win the lottery and bribe all of the major sport comissioners with it to make this happen. Only then will we finally be at peace.

Yamabethur, and good night.